I. Will. Never. Settle.
Many, even most, daters feel this way. It feels like a high value move. Perhaps it is. There’s also the possibility that the “never settle” mantra leads to missed opportunities that they’ll regret later.
Ultimately, you need to find a balance.
Being anti-settling makes sense. By definition, settling means accepting less and being left lacking. It’s embracing an uneasy mediocrity and feeling like something is eternally missing. Settling is diminished expectations and unfulfilled goals.
If holding the line feels wise, settling feels like a betrayal to your self. You deserve to have standards. The person you love should live up to them. Accepting less means diminishing yourself, selling out, and resigning yourself to a relationship that falls short.
Relationships are full of hard decisions. Not settling feels like an easy one.
I completely agree with all of that. But you should still settle.
Let me explain…
We All Settle and Most of Us Are Fine With It
We all settle.
In fact, we do it all the time…happily. Most of our lives are not perfectly optimized.
Did you get enough sleep last night?
Do you have all the free time you want?
Is your salary as high as you deserve?
No, no, and no. What do you do about it? Nothing…and you’re okay with it. (And probably don’t even consider it setting)
You don’t get as much sleep as you’d like, but you get as much as you can. You don’t have as much free time as you want, but you enjoy the free time you do get. You don’t get paid what you deserve, but you don’t refuse to go to work.
Good for you. (I mean that sincerely)
Living in a way where you’re only happy with peak experiences, is a sure way to be miserable most of the time. Choosing to be content despite not getting the absolute very best, is smart. We all make similar choices…and that’s ok. Optimizing every aspect of your life is impossible.
It’s hard to find fulfillment when you’re always focus on what’s falling short
Yet, we often insist on perfection when we’re looking for our romantic partner.
Maybe that’s asking too much.
For context on why we get this so wrong, What If Everything Is Wrong?, is also worth reading.
The Real Question: Do You Actually Deserve What You're Demanding?
If you’re anything like my clients, you’re thinking “How can you possibly suggest that I should accept less than what I deserve?”
Fair question.
The answer starts with figuring out what you “deserve.”
Reality testing your expectations helps determine if you’re being realistic or asking for too much.
Yes…you can ask for too much. That’s because there’s an uncomfortable, yet fundamental truth about dating and relationships: You get the relationship you work for.
Dating and relationships aren’t easy. If you want the very best outcomes, you have to work at it.
Ask yourself (and answer honestly):
Are you willing to put in the effort to improve yourself to be the best possible partner you can be?
How much energy are you willing to devote to finding your person?
Are you expecting more from potential partners than you are from yourself?
If you want the very best partner, make sure you’re willing to devote the time, energy, and effort required to find and attract that person. It’s only fair.
If you’re not interested in effort-maxing your pursuit of a partner, then calibrate your expectations accordingly. It’s only fair.
You should only spend time wanting the
type of relationship you’re willing to work for.
"Never Settle" Is Just Commitment Phobia With Better Branding
I know that some (many?) of you still aren’t convinced. You still think settling is selling out.
Here’s a harsh truth: Refusing to settle is really just commitment phobia with better marketing.
You really want a relationship, but can’t find anyone good enough? At what point does that become a “you” problem?
Is it possible that you’re taking perfectionistic tendencies too far? Don’t get me wrong, perfectionism sounds smart, even elite, in a “I know my worth” sort of way. But, it can also be unrealistic.
Similarly, refusing to settle feels empowered. However, it may just be an intellectualized version of avoidant tendencies. (Want a quick primer on attachment? Click here) You get to want a relationship and engage in many dating-ish behaviors (e.g., perusing the apps, meeting people, doing a little flirting). But you avoid getting hurt because there’s always something that makes a potential partner untenable. There’s always some way in which they fall short. Their imperfections are disqualifications. And your pursuit continues (possibly forever).
The perfection-fueled refusal to consider any form of settling also puts a virtuous spin on something that we could reasonably also label as picky, judgy, or even entitled.
The real problem, of course, is that all of this is a fantastic way to keep yourself single.
That’s why you need to embrace the notion that settling isn’t as bad as you think.
Settling also isn’t what you think it is.
Smart daters don't settle, they prioritize.
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The Three-Tier Framework: Where to Hold Firm and Where to Let Go
Everyone deserves a great relationship.
I will never waiver on that fact. However, your partner doesn’t have to be perfect to have a great relationship. (Good news…you don’t have to be perfect either).
I’d bet that every person in an amazing relationship has settled in some way. Granted, they probably don’t think of it that way, or at least don’t call it settling. Instead, they probably say they made some sacrifices or were willing to compromise.
The solution to settling is being strategically selective.
One of the biggest traps daters set for themselves is making every desired quality equally important. It’s classic false equivalence. A potential partner’s taste in music isn’t as important as whether they’re kind. What you’re looking for in a partner falls into three different categories. Understanding the differences between them is critical for knowing where you can settle, and where you should never compromise your standards.
Non-Negotiables
Like the name implies, these are absolute “must have” qualities based on your core values. DO NOT SETTLE when it comes to your non-negotiables. Ask yourself:
What positive qualities MUST someone have?
What negative qualities will you NOT tolerate? (It’s ok to think of negatives, but it’s always better to rephrase as positives whenever possible. Instead of, “I refuse to date a poor communicator” go with “My ideal partner is a good listener and clear communicator.”)
Importantly, the non-negotiable list should be relatively short. Every quality on it should be 100% essential for having a long-term fulfilling relationship. Kindness, emotional availability, and respect? Non-negotiable. Tall and handsome? Not in this category.
A partner who lacks any one of your non-negotiables is instantly undateable. Don’t waste your time. This is where you should justifiably and unapologetically refuse to settle.
“Nice to Haves”
These are more “luxury qualities” that you ideally want to have in a partner. However, the absence of any one isn’t a dealbreaker. This can be a much longer list.
This is where you place hobbies, interests, and preferences in movies, music, and cuisines. If you like romantic comedies, country music, and Thai cuisine, would your partner ideally like the same? Sure, it would be “nice to have.” But, if they don’t, is that a dealbreaker? Nope…or at least it shouldn’t be. “Nice to haves” also include preferences about their appearance. A partner who has all of your non-negotiables, but who isn’t your typical type in terms of their looks, can be an amazing lifelong partner.
Funny enough, research finds that people often only disqualify potential partners after they discover four “dealbreakers” (Joel & Charlot, 2022). Know what that means? Most people are mixing together their non-negotiables with their “nice to haves.” You can live a long happy life with a partner who doesn’t check all of your “nice to have” boxes. The same isn’t true for your non-negotiables. Know the difference.
“Nitpicky Annoyances”
Every partner on the planet is annoying in some way. You’re never going to find someone who doesn’t annoy you. That’s a fact. He eats too fast? Ok. She takes too long to get ready? So what. He doesn’t load the dishwasher right? Get used to it. She leaves crumbs on the table? Not a big deal. They leave the remote in the couch cushions? You’ll live.
I know that sounds obvious. However, so many people refuse a second date because they discovered something annoying about the other person.
Know what I say?
Good…you’re ahead of the game. You’re always going to find something, you just found this one early. That’s one less surprise coming your way.
Is this person really annoying, or are you easily annoyed?
Now Isn’t the Same as Forever…You're Not Dating a Finished Product
There’s more to worry about than right now. Don’t neglect trajectory.
While dating, you’re going to meeting someone who doesn’t have everything you want today. Moving forward with this person could feel like your settling, losing, or selling yourself short. It shouldn’t. They’re not a finished product (neither are you).
Before automatically disqualifying someone, consider where they’re going. What’s their trajectory? Who are they growing into? Maybe they have character, direction, and the desire to build a life with you. That’s actually more important. It’s acknowledging that love isn’t something we fall into, but rather something we build.
That’s choosing a different starting line. What looks like “settling” in the short term can become long-term stability, loyalty, and shared growth. But that will never happen if you don’t give it a chance.
What You're Really Doing When You "Settle"
So much of what people call “settling” isn’t really settling at all. It’s being reasonable and rational. It’s recognizing that no one is perfect, yourself included. It’s having priorities and sticking to them, but not overdoing it. It’s giving people a chance, even after they’re a little annoying.
Really, it’s recognizing that many of the very best relationships on the planet are between two people who didn’t check every single box. But they’re in love anyway. That’s life.
Hope this helps,
Dr. L
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References
Joel, S., & Charlot, N. (2022). Dealbreakers, or dealbenders? Capturing the cumulative effects of partner information on mate choice. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 101, 1–16. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2022.104328
Photo by Taryn Elliott:
Note: Please forgive any typos or errors. Non-AI writing has its imperfections. Consider it the patina of a personal touch.
This article was awesome, imo! There’s so many points you noted that seem small but have massive impact.
As someone who holds herself as a “high value” woman, never settling absolutely felt empowering and like I was doing myself a favour. However, that not only disqualifies potentially great partners, it also puts a ton of pressure on one’s self to be perfect - and *spoiler alert* none of us are.
I also love your point about putting out what you’re expecting in return. I see/hear too many people in general having certain expectations of partners that they don’t even possess themselves - not fair! I found it so helpful to turn the question around to, would I want to date myself and why?
Finally, the “non negotiables” and “nice to haves” framework is so helpful and I think this is where sh*t gets real. I’ve been a non negotiable/nice to have mixer upper in the past, and that leads to misalignment quickly. This is an easy to apply and massive impact framework you shared that helps with sorting and decision making with clarity.
Thanks again Dr. Gary for a valuable and impactful read!!
“You are not dating a finished product” is something we forget when we think about settling down. We are constantly evolving as individuals and what we need to look for is your partner’s willingness to meet you somewhere in the middle, not someone who meets your description of a perfect partner(this person doesn’t exist)