This article was awesome, imo! There’s so many points you noted that seem small but have massive impact.
As someone who holds herself as a “high value” woman, never settling absolutely felt empowering and like I was doing myself a favour. However, that not only disqualifies potentially great partners, it also puts a ton of pressure on one’s self to be perfect - and *spoiler alert* none of us are.
I also love your point about putting out what you’re expecting in return. I see/hear too many people in general having certain expectations of partners that they don’t even possess themselves - not fair! I found it so helpful to turn the question around to, would I want to date myself and why?
Finally, the “non negotiables” and “nice to haves” framework is so helpful and I think this is where sh*t gets real. I’ve been a non negotiable/nice to have mixer upper in the past, and that leads to misalignment quickly. This is an easy to apply and massive impact framework you shared that helps with sorting and decision making with clarity.
Thanks again Dr. Gary for a valuable and impactful read!!
Thanks! I really appreciate you reading! Your reframe where you ask yourself "would I want to date myself and why?" is a really helpful perspective to take.
“You are not dating a finished product” is something we forget when we think about settling down. We are constantly evolving as individuals and what we need to look for is your partner’s willingness to meet you somewhere in the middle, not someone who meets your description of a perfect partner(this person doesn’t exist)
There is something strong in the claim that “never settle” can sometimes mask fear more than wisdom.
The piece understands, very well, how perfectionism and avoidance can hide inside high standards, and that gives the reflection a sharper psychological depth than most dating advice.... I am guilty of repeating this pattern over and over again
I appreciate the distinction between maintaining healthy standards and expecting perfection. Strong relationships are often built on shared values, emotional maturity, and a willingness to grow together not on finding someone who checks every box.
Bo Burnham made a beautiful song in his stand up called "Lower Your Expectations". Similar or very close point to this one! Absolutely love this view of romantic relationships. Still have hard time to understand that I deserve love with all my flaws and being a human being, though. I have a better time of accepting others than accepting that I do deserve love. It's easier for me to give an attention or any type of interest towards other people (platonic or romantic). I feel uncomfortable receiving it. I'm not sure how to fully fix it, though. I understand it might be related to my attachment style and previous experiences, but I also prefer "slow" type of romance, too. While people seem to "rush" into romance or sex; I need time to think and fully open up to another person. Straight away romance and sexual attention seem like a threat to me.
Nothing wrong with the "slow" type of romance. In fact, it's preferable in many ways (e.g., leads to building more emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy). Just can't go so slow the relationship never gets off the ground.
Love this article, especially in the breakdown of non negotiables and nice to haves. What I’ve been struggling with is reconciling this with the rhetoric of “you must accept the person as they are and not go into a relationship trying to change them”? Any advice?
Thanks for reading! I agree that you shouldn't try to change them. But that doesn't necessarily mean they can't/won't change. For non-negotiables, I'd hold the line (they either have it or they don't). But the "nice-to-haves" and annoyances, will evolve over time.
This article was awesome, imo! There’s so many points you noted that seem small but have massive impact.
As someone who holds herself as a “high value” woman, never settling absolutely felt empowering and like I was doing myself a favour. However, that not only disqualifies potentially great partners, it also puts a ton of pressure on one’s self to be perfect - and *spoiler alert* none of us are.
I also love your point about putting out what you’re expecting in return. I see/hear too many people in general having certain expectations of partners that they don’t even possess themselves - not fair! I found it so helpful to turn the question around to, would I want to date myself and why?
Finally, the “non negotiables” and “nice to haves” framework is so helpful and I think this is where sh*t gets real. I’ve been a non negotiable/nice to have mixer upper in the past, and that leads to misalignment quickly. This is an easy to apply and massive impact framework you shared that helps with sorting and decision making with clarity.
Thanks again Dr. Gary for a valuable and impactful read!!
Thanks! I really appreciate you reading! Your reframe where you ask yourself "would I want to date myself and why?" is a really helpful perspective to take.
“You are not dating a finished product” is something we forget when we think about settling down. We are constantly evolving as individuals and what we need to look for is your partner’s willingness to meet you somewhere in the middle, not someone who meets your description of a perfect partner(this person doesn’t exist)
There is something strong in the claim that “never settle” can sometimes mask fear more than wisdom.
The piece understands, very well, how perfectionism and avoidance can hide inside high standards, and that gives the reflection a sharper psychological depth than most dating advice.... I am guilty of repeating this pattern over and over again
I appreciate the distinction between maintaining healthy standards and expecting perfection. Strong relationships are often built on shared values, emotional maturity, and a willingness to grow together not on finding someone who checks every box.
So true. The growing together part is completely underrated.
Bo Burnham made a beautiful song in his stand up called "Lower Your Expectations". Similar or very close point to this one! Absolutely love this view of romantic relationships. Still have hard time to understand that I deserve love with all my flaws and being a human being, though. I have a better time of accepting others than accepting that I do deserve love. It's easier for me to give an attention or any type of interest towards other people (platonic or romantic). I feel uncomfortable receiving it. I'm not sure how to fully fix it, though. I understand it might be related to my attachment style and previous experiences, but I also prefer "slow" type of romance, too. While people seem to "rush" into romance or sex; I need time to think and fully open up to another person. Straight away romance and sexual attention seem like a threat to me.
Nothing wrong with the "slow" type of romance. In fact, it's preferable in many ways (e.g., leads to building more emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy). Just can't go so slow the relationship never gets off the ground.
Thanks for sharing, I will be sharing this with my audience and with my matchmaking clients, as this is a challenge I face daily!
Glad it’s useful. Thanks for sharing!!!
Love this article, especially in the breakdown of non negotiables and nice to haves. What I’ve been struggling with is reconciling this with the rhetoric of “you must accept the person as they are and not go into a relationship trying to change them”? Any advice?
Thanks for reading! I agree that you shouldn't try to change them. But that doesn't necessarily mean they can't/won't change. For non-negotiables, I'd hold the line (they either have it or they don't). But the "nice-to-haves" and annoyances, will evolve over time.