When Dating Feels Impossible: The Psychology of Getting Unstuck
You’re Not Bad at Dating, But Your Beliefs Are (4 Questions to Fix It)
“There are no good partners left.”
“Why doesn’t anyone know what they want?”
“Dating apps are a waste of time.”
“Modern relationships just suck.”
“I’ve done everything right, and it still hasn’t worked.”
I’ve heard every single one of these beliefs from clients in the past 2 weeks.
Each are a sign that you’re losing hope. You’re getting stuck.
It’s a bad feeling, but also a bit of a weird place to be. It’s the drama of deep despair or the pain of a broken heart. However, it is the confusing, frustration and helplessness that comes from the slow, grinding exhaustion of trying, swiping, messaging, meeting, hoping, only to end up right back where you started.
Naturally you wonder: Is something wrong with me? Is this just how it is now? Did I miss my window? “Why does this keep happening to me?”
They’re dangerous questions because your emotional state wants to answer them all wrong. When you’re stuck, the negativity feels true and oddly comforting. And, it can become your reality if you’re not careful.
The good news is that the beliefs that are keeping you stuck aren’t actually true.
Coming up, I’ll show you how to break free:
Why trying harder at dating actually makes things worse, and what works instead
The “dating desert” illusion: How one person went from “no options” to “too many dates” in 30 days by shifting a single belief
Four powerful questions that expose the hidden comfort in your negative dating beliefs, and help you rewrite your reality
The Real Problem Isn’t Dating. It’s What You Believe About Dating.
I don’t know about you, but anytime I feel stuck, I default to questioning whether I want the outcome bad enough, or whether I’m working hard enough to make it a reality. In other words, I put it all back on myself.
That works for lots of things. Just not for dating.
It’s not a matter of desire. Of course we want someone to share our life with. As humans we’re social creatures, so that’s largely hardwired.
We also can’t “white knuckle” love. Trying harder isn’t the answer. Instead, too much intensity makes us seem needy and desperate. It also makes us impatient, which encourages us to start cutting corners (i.e., overlooking clear red flags).
The harder you try to fall asleep, the less likely you are to fall asleep.
The same is true with finding love.
When your typical solutions don’t work, you only feel MORE stuck.
Besides, you’re likely already on the apps, putting yourself out there, having conversations, going on dates, or all of the above. But it still isn’t clicking how you hoped.
Defensive explanations flood in: “Men only care about looks.” “Women only care about how much you make.” “There are no good partners where I live.” “I’ve seen what’s out there and it’s all bad.”
These beliefs make you feel better, but they don’t help you date better. The reality is that your dating beliefs shape your dating experiences far more than reality.
I once worked with someone who confidently declared that “there are no men to date where I live” (she lived in one of the top 3 most populated cited in the US but claimed it was a “dating desert”). About a month of working with her, she presented a new problem, “I have two meetups already this week, I’m talking to another guy, and have messages waiting for me on the app…this is impossible. What do I do?”
That’s what we call a luxury problem. Same person. Same dating pool. Radically different experience. All because she was able to shift her beliefs.
Here’s how I got her to do it (which can work for you too).
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Stress-Test Your Beliefs With 4 Powerful Questions
I started asking questions.
Maybe it’s the scientist in me, but I love asking questions that help people reframe situations and see issues from new perspectives.
Here are my favorite four questions to ask clients (or encourage them to ask themselves) when they’re feeling stuck:
1. Is This Belief Always True, for Everyone?
Ask yourself honestly: Is this something I’ve observed, or something I’ve turned into a universal law?
That’s important because there’s a huge difference between “this can happen” and “this happens every single time, always, and forever.”
You want to be careful that you don’t turn isolated personal experiences or stories you’re telling yourself into absolute truths (because they’re not).
If you believe “there are no good partners,” you’re right. Not objectively, but what happens is that you’ll notice every bad interaction, easily find flaws, and find problems with every solution. Stuck! (…because beliefs give you tunnel vision that shapes reality).
However, this simultaneously reveals the solution. If you believe “there are great partners out there,” you’re also right. That belief will encourage you to spot opportunities you missed before. You’ll notice others’ virtues, have more positive interactions, and be more optimistic. Unstuck!
Both realities exist at the exact same time.
Change your dating beliefs, change your dating reality.
2. How Does This Belief Protect or Comfort Me?
This question stings, and that’s why it works.
Every behavior and every belief has a purpose. Negative beliefs don’t stick around unless they do something for you or help you in some way. They protect you from disappointment (e.g., “If I believe ‘all the good ones are taken,’ I don’t have to risk rejection”). Pessimism protects you from asking, “What could I do differently?” Negative beliefs also protect you from hope. (That sounds weird, but you can convince yourself that too much hope will inevitably lead to hurt).
Your beliefs also give you something deeply human: the comfort of being right. (e.g., “See, I knew online dating doesn’t work.” or “I was right…all men are emotionally unavailable.”)
But, and this is critically important, you need to ask yourself: Would you rather take comfort in being right, or would you rather be in a fulfilling relationship?
Sorry, that’s a little tough love. But I do hope you’ll recognize how certain beliefs that seem like they’re protecting us in the short-term can be harmful over time.
This also brings up a special kind of stuck: living in the past. If you believe your past predetermines your future, it will. That’s problematic because your past likely includes dating the wrong people, making bad decisions, ignoring red flags, staying too long, or putting your faith and love into someone who didn’t deserve it.
How do I know that? Because everyone’s relationship past is imperfect. None of us emerge from previous dating and relationship experiences unscathed. It’s easy to feel like “this shouldn’t have happened to me” or “it’s not fair.” You’re right. It also doesn’t help to dwell in those feelings. We can’t change the past and our past won’t dictate our future (unless we let it).
3. How Does This Belief Help Me Avoid Change?
We’re all a little stubborn…especially when it comes to ourselves. We don’t like to change our beliefs or behaviors. We get attached to our ways of doing things. Often, our beliefs protect that.
When we blame dating, other people, or “how things are now” lets you off the hook. If it’s all broken, you don’t have to adjust. When you shift responsibility, you don’t need to change, you have an excuse to not try, and you don’t have to risk failing again.
Dating success isn’t about avoiding failure.
It’s about building resilience.
Finding “your person” isn’t as much about what happens to us, but how we react. The best reaction is to learn from setbacks and adjust your approach.
We all mess up. The difference between people who stay stuck and people who eventually find love is adaptability.
When things go wrong, you get a moment of dwelling in the “this sucks” feeling. That’s fine. But then you reflect, recalibrate, and try again. Successful people suffer setbacks…they just don’t let it stop them. As I used to tell my daughter’s travel sports teams when I was their coach, “Don’t get defeated, get determined.”
4. How Could I Prove This Belief Wrong?
This is where real change begins.
My dad used to say, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” The opposite is also true, ”If it ain’t working, don’t stick to it.”
If your current approach isn’t working, stubbornly sticking to it won’t save you. You need to ask: “If I absolutely had to disprove my belief, how would I do it? What would I change?”
Then disrupt your patterns, on purpose. Try attracting different people by changing how you show up or giving someone a chance who isn’t your usual type. Be intentional about prioritizing character over chemistry, communicating more honestly, asking better questions, or being more vulnerable. (SUPER IMPORTANT: Note here that I’m not suggesting that you change who you are as a person).
There are two ways to approach this:
Change everything all at once…or at least as much as possible. When in doubt, change more than you think you should. Yes, it will feel uncomfortable, but that’s a sign of growth (and exactly the point!).
Start with one key small change. Use that to build momentum for changing more and more as you go.
When you start stacking changes, you will quickly realize how your belief was limiting you.
Conclusion
You don’t need to become someone different to find love. But you DO need to believe something different about what’s possible.
Start with one question, one shift, one intentional change. The right relationship is waiting on the other side of the beliefs you’re ready to leave behind.
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Here are other ways to learn more about the Psychology of Relationships:
Substack Series: The Psychology of Relationships 101 Curriculum
My podcast: Love Strategies
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Note: Please forgive any typos or errors. Non-AI writing has its imperfections. Consider it the patina of a personal touch.
I agree with this to an extent. I’m speaking strictly for myself here. I’m tired. I’ve spent most of my life holding down two jobs, carrying an entire household (even when I was married), and most of this time as a single parent. It’s just been within the last year that I’ve been able to do life without being in survival mode. I agree that there’s likely some perceptions I could change, but I’m also realistic about what I can attract, and it’s not good. I agree that romantic love is better than no romantic love, but honestly I don’t have the mental and emotional capacity to chase it anymore. Peace is a non-negotiable. I’m not against love. But I’m not going to run after it either. If it comes great. If it doesn’t, my life still has value and meaning.
There is something especially strong in the idea that negative dating beliefs do not simply describe reality, but help create it.
The deeper insight, for me, is that what keeps people stuck is often less the dating landscape itself than the protective comfort of conclusions that feel true but prevent change...