Welcome to Psychology of Relationships

Follow your heart, but take some science and strategy with you.

Howdy… (A study from OKCupid found that messages starting with “Howdy” were 40% more effective than those that started with “Hey.” Science!)

I (Dr. Gary Lewandowski, but my students call me Dr. L) have been researching, teaching, and giving talks about relationships for over 20 years. For much of that time I was a pure academic, publishing in journals, presenting at conferences, and writing textbooks.

After the pandemic, I finally made a shift I’d been considering for years: I began working as a dating and relationship coach. Coming from a blue-collar background and being a first-generation college student, I’ve always been drawn to practical, action-oriented work.

Coaching gave me the opportunity to apply science in a real, impactful way. While I love learning for its own sake, what truly motivates me is helping people use evidence-based insights to improve their lives. Put simply, I want to take great information and turn it into real-world results.

And, wow…it has been REWARDING. On this journey, one of the most common things I’ve heard when people learn about relationships is, “I wish I knew this sooner.” The subtext is had they know these insights and strategies before, it would have saved a lot of heartache. I completely agree.

Here’s something that has bothered me, basically forever: Why don’t we teach the psychology of relationships in high school? Every high school student (and person) past, present, and future loves thinking about dating and relationships.

For good reason: Relationships are a primary source of joy and misery in our lives, and your choice of romantic parter is the one decision that impacts every single aspect of your life. Getting more high-quality information to people early on would prevent a lot of problems, and encourage healthier relationships, better marriages, and less divorce. It feels so obvious.

Quick note: I’ve enabled paid subscriptions for those of you who want a deeper dive. Here’s what that includes: weekly longer evidence-based pieces, practical tools, and access to the full archive. Zero pressure…I’ll keep showing up in your inbox as always. Just an option if you’re eager to build skills and learn even more.

Well, I can’t easily change high school curricula around the world (yet), but I can help teach the world to date more effectively and enjoy more fulfilling relationships. I’ve done some of that through books, articles, a TEDx talk, and a podcast, that together have reached over 12 million people. It’s been a good run.

But I want to do more. I already teach a super popular relationships course at my university. However, tuition is expensive and seats are limited (and you probably don’t want to take the exams). Here on Substack, tuition is much more reasonable (free or pennies a day), seating is unlimited, and everyone gets an A.

Psychology of Relationships is like my college course. Lots of great insights, some of my weird humor, and actionable strategies. My writing style is conversational and easy to apply, rooted in science, but in a way you won’t really notice (it’s like hiding broccoli in your kid’s brownies).

To start, I will share a series of posts that make up a mini “Psychology of Relationships 101” course. The content will represent a “greatest hits” of foundational topics related to dating, love, and relationships. Each lesson can “stand alone” but the entire 14-week course follows a logical progression.

Topics will include: flirting, attraction, love, cheating, communication, coping with breakup, and many more. After the “Psychology of Relationships 101” series, I plan on additional series, and writing about the topics you want to learn about most, and answering any questions you have.

Each week’s lesson will publish Thursdays at 8 am ET. (You can find links to lots of past posts below)

I hope you will enroll/subscribe. Your relationships will thank you.

Hope this helps,

Dr. L

***Know someone else who should take this “course,” enjoys psychology, has a relationship, or hopes to one day? Please share:

Here’s what you can look forward to…

The Psychology of Relationships 101 Curriculum

1. Is It Just Me? Or, Is This How Relationships Are?

2. Clarity Attracts Chemistry: The Power of Knowing Who You Are

3. The Flirting Formula: Science-Backed Strategies for Connection

4. The Science of Attraction: It’s Not Just Looks, It’s Psychology

5. The Science of Love: From Instant Chemistry to Lasting Connection

6. The Truth about Attachment: The Science of Secure Connection

7. Sex Ed 2.0: The Conversations We Missed

8. The Science of Communication: What Builds Connection and What Breaks It

9. When the Spark Fades: Feeling Adrift in Love

10. The Erosion of Intimacy: Dealing with the Dark Side of Relationships

11. Happily Ever After or Single Again: Does My Relationship Have a Future?

12. The Foundation of Forever: Simple Strategies for Enduring Connection

13. Break Up Doesn’t Have to Leave You Broken

14. The Connection Code: Your Keys to Unlocking a Love That Lasts

As well as the second full series:

Why Smart People Make Bad Relationship Choices: The Myths Ruining Your Love Life

1. What If Everything You Believe About Love Is Wrong?

2. The Gender Myth: How ‘Men vs. Women’ Thinking Destroys Intimacy

3. Perfectly Flawed: How Realistic Expectations Create Lasting Love

4. Chemistry Beyond the Checklist: Why Looks and Status Aren’t Enough

5. The Intimacy Trap: When Sex Becomes a Relationship Test

6. Change Them or Choose Them: You Can’t Do Both

7. The Martyr Myth: How Self-Sacrifice Sabotages Love

8. The Proximity Paradox: Why Closeness Isn’t Always Connection

9. Conflict as Connection: The Surprising Truth About Arguments

10. Needy vs. Needed: Reclaiming Your Emotional Independence

11. Stronger Than You Think: Surviving Break Up

Know someone else who enjoys psychology, is interested in relationships, and would like these “courses?” Please refer them here:

Thanks for reading!!!