This is a wonderful piece. I like to think I’m already whole and self-reliant when in reality, I am not. When loneliness hits, I tend to seek it outwards. I grew up believing that whatever lacks in you, the other person will fill that void. Now that creates a cycle, a never ending loop of attracting wrong people in my life. That being said, no matter what the situation you’re in, there’s always a way out. When you start realizing that you alone can make yourself happy and complete too.
It all starts and ends on self, and then neither truce helps nor aggravating leads anywhere, in managing same, a person has no tether and then anxiety and depression occurs and well broken never attracts another broken one, bcos if it do, then world is most beautiful habits alreadt
I think there’s something important here. At the same time, it’s not always that “broken attracts broken.”
Often the psyche is simply drawn to what feels familiar. Even unhealthy dynamics can feel strangely recognizable if they echo earlier emotional patterns.
Until those deeper structures of the psyche become visible to us, we tend to recreate the same relationships again and again.
Love the article and content. I do agree though that the language, “broken,” “healing,” and “whole” can make it sound like something has been damaged and needs fixing. I don’t think we are ever “healed” and I don’t think we are ever “broken”, just that we have learned patterns and unconscious ways of allowing non ideal partners and behaviour into our lives.
Thank you Dr. Gary for breaking this down in a way that brings awareness and accountability for the partners and behaviours we choose and allow into our lives. It’s truly an inside job, and so important to educate ourselves before we go out into the wild!
Being broken and being lifted to original sf in name of game of life where one puzzle leads to another and forever co.parision of earlier deteriorates the healthy terms to degradation for sure later
There is something very grounding in the insistence that longing for love and depending on it are not the same thing.
The piece frames wholeness not as perfection, but as the capacity to choose from self-respect rather than scarcity, which makes the argument feel both sharp and useful.
I think its tempting to think that we somehow attract brokenness or a certain kind of partner, but I do not think it is true, even though many including Gabor Mate prescribe to this way of thinking. When teaching with Dr. Sue Johnson many years ago, she convincingly pointed out that the old myth of finding someone as traumatized as you is not possible. Rather, we bring our unique makeup to each relationship, and therefore it makes sense that the people we are with not only feel familiar, but eventually, we bump up against the same problems over and over again. That said, as a couples therapist, I think healing in relationships is one of the most profound mechanisms to achieve a sense of love and to repair old wounds. The issue is that it takes time, and our relationships need to be robust, and long term to really get to the profound ways that we hold ourselves in order to eventually let others in.
The line about confusing anxiety for chemistry is the one that gets people that nervous system familiarity feels like a spark when it's really just recognition of an old pattern. What I keep coming back to is that 'healing first' isn't a finish line you cross before you're allowed to love someone; the relationship itself often becomes the mirror that shows you what's still unhealed. The work is staying curious about the pattern instead of blaming the partner for reflecting it."
I totally relate to this! Glad you're writing about it. I find this idea of like attracts like - in regards to the underlying wounds we have- is a hard concept for most to swallow because they want to believe so hard in the butterflies! Mistaking chemistry for anxiety, you nailed it.
Does it implies that hollowness must not be attended and let it consume the one who holds greener part as well, but to make it forget one need to sacrifice self to become d better version
'We attract what we haven't healed.' That’s a line that demands a long pause. You’ve articulated the 'trap' of loneliness so clearly. The partner we want most when we feel broken is often the one we should avoid the most. This is a great call to stop outsourcing our fulfillment and to start building a life that is complete on its own terms. It makes the prospect of a future relationship feel like a shared adventure rather than a rescue mission.
This piece is fantastic because I completely relate to it. Every time I was trying to run away my own life problem, I attract people who tried to escape and distract themselves from their own issues too. They are kinda avoidant too. I finally realised being whole and comfortable with myself is only way to attract the right ones - it's law of attraction too.
The recognition is huge, thank you for sharing this article!
But what it tells us is that longing drives us down paths of mistakes or we could say, paths of experiences. Why do we keep making the same turns, each time just a little different? We know it’s wrong or not good for us, and still the urge to want is strong, and we gradually accept the risk of pain. Where is the gut feeling we seem to have lost?
Is it that we know but still we choose to go for a wrong turn
I resonate with this. In my experience a lot of the attraction that keeps repeating isn’t random... it’s often pointing to something familiar in us that hasn’t been fully understood or integrated yet. When people start looking at those patterns honestly, their choices and even options in relationships tend to change naturally.
“Manipulative partners’ dating logic can be quite dark. A weak and flawed partner will allow them to get away with almost anything they want. Selfishness and cheating…overlooked. In the aftermath, half-hearted apologies and lame excuses get accepted. Why!?!?!?!! The unhealed partner is scared of being alone, of never finding anyone else.”
This concept got me thinking about how so many people are tolerating toxic relationships. Maybe it’s because it’s such a hard pattern to see while you’re inside it.
Fear of being alone can quietly lower the standard of what someone is willing to accept. Things that would normally feel wrong start getting explained away just to keep the relationship intact.
Scarcity can really distort judgement. When someone believes this might be their only chance at love, they often hold on much longer than they should. The sad part is that the manipulative partner usually senses that fear and leans into it.
Healing changes the whole equation. When a person knows they’ll be okay on their own, the tolerance for disrespect drops very quickly. What once felt “better than nothing” suddenly becomes something they’re no longer willing to carry.
This is a wonderful piece. I like to think I’m already whole and self-reliant when in reality, I am not. When loneliness hits, I tend to seek it outwards. I grew up believing that whatever lacks in you, the other person will fill that void. Now that creates a cycle, a never ending loop of attracting wrong people in my life. That being said, no matter what the situation you’re in, there’s always a way out. When you start realizing that you alone can make yourself happy and complete too.
It all starts and ends on self, and then neither truce helps nor aggravating leads anywhere, in managing same, a person has no tether and then anxiety and depression occurs and well broken never attracts another broken one, bcos if it do, then world is most beautiful habits alreadt
I think there’s something important here. At the same time, it’s not always that “broken attracts broken.”
Often the psyche is simply drawn to what feels familiar. Even unhealthy dynamics can feel strangely recognizable if they echo earlier emotional patterns.
Until those deeper structures of the psyche become visible to us, we tend to recreate the same relationships again and again.
Love the article and content. I do agree though that the language, “broken,” “healing,” and “whole” can make it sound like something has been damaged and needs fixing. I don’t think we are ever “healed” and I don’t think we are ever “broken”, just that we have learned patterns and unconscious ways of allowing non ideal partners and behaviour into our lives.
Thank you Dr. Gary for breaking this down in a way that brings awareness and accountability for the partners and behaviours we choose and allow into our lives. It’s truly an inside job, and so important to educate ourselves before we go out into the wild!
Being broken and being lifted to original sf in name of game of life where one puzzle leads to another and forever co.parision of earlier deteriorates the healthy terms to degradation for sure later
There is something very grounding in the insistence that longing for love and depending on it are not the same thing.
The piece frames wholeness not as perfection, but as the capacity to choose from self-respect rather than scarcity, which makes the argument feel both sharp and useful.
So nicely explained.
Great piece
I think its tempting to think that we somehow attract brokenness or a certain kind of partner, but I do not think it is true, even though many including Gabor Mate prescribe to this way of thinking. When teaching with Dr. Sue Johnson many years ago, she convincingly pointed out that the old myth of finding someone as traumatized as you is not possible. Rather, we bring our unique makeup to each relationship, and therefore it makes sense that the people we are with not only feel familiar, but eventually, we bump up against the same problems over and over again. That said, as a couples therapist, I think healing in relationships is one of the most profound mechanisms to achieve a sense of love and to repair old wounds. The issue is that it takes time, and our relationships need to be robust, and long term to really get to the profound ways that we hold ourselves in order to eventually let others in.
The line about confusing anxiety for chemistry is the one that gets people that nervous system familiarity feels like a spark when it's really just recognition of an old pattern. What I keep coming back to is that 'healing first' isn't a finish line you cross before you're allowed to love someone; the relationship itself often becomes the mirror that shows you what's still unhealed. The work is staying curious about the pattern instead of blaming the partner for reflecting it."
I totally relate to this! Glad you're writing about it. I find this idea of like attracts like - in regards to the underlying wounds we have- is a hard concept for most to swallow because they want to believe so hard in the butterflies! Mistaking chemistry for anxiety, you nailed it.
Does it implies that hollowness must not be attended and let it consume the one who holds greener part as well, but to make it forget one need to sacrifice self to become d better version
This is really an amazing piece. An eye-opener if you ask me.
Thanks for reading!!!
'We attract what we haven't healed.' That’s a line that demands a long pause. You’ve articulated the 'trap' of loneliness so clearly. The partner we want most when we feel broken is often the one we should avoid the most. This is a great call to stop outsourcing our fulfillment and to start building a life that is complete on its own terms. It makes the prospect of a future relationship feel like a shared adventure rather than a rescue mission.
Thank u so much for this 🥲
This piece is fantastic because I completely relate to it. Every time I was trying to run away my own life problem, I attract people who tried to escape and distract themselves from their own issues too. They are kinda avoidant too. I finally realised being whole and comfortable with myself is only way to attract the right ones - it's law of attraction too.
Completely agree with this.
Its funny (or not sometimes) how we magnetise what we are still learning to recover from in ourselves.
We must first heal in order to attract a healthy relationship that keeps us healthy.
The recognition is huge, thank you for sharing this article!
But what it tells us is that longing drives us down paths of mistakes or we could say, paths of experiences. Why do we keep making the same turns, each time just a little different? We know it’s wrong or not good for us, and still the urge to want is strong, and we gradually accept the risk of pain. Where is the gut feeling we seem to have lost?
Is it that we know but still we choose to go for a wrong turn
🙏🫶 misleading thought in our mind
I resonate with this. In my experience a lot of the attraction that keeps repeating isn’t random... it’s often pointing to something familiar in us that hasn’t been fully understood or integrated yet. When people start looking at those patterns honestly, their choices and even options in relationships tend to change naturally.
“Manipulative partners’ dating logic can be quite dark. A weak and flawed partner will allow them to get away with almost anything they want. Selfishness and cheating…overlooked. In the aftermath, half-hearted apologies and lame excuses get accepted. Why!?!?!?!! The unhealed partner is scared of being alone, of never finding anyone else.”
This concept got me thinking about how so many people are tolerating toxic relationships. Maybe it’s because it’s such a hard pattern to see while you’re inside it.
Fear of being alone can quietly lower the standard of what someone is willing to accept. Things that would normally feel wrong start getting explained away just to keep the relationship intact.
Scarcity can really distort judgement. When someone believes this might be their only chance at love, they often hold on much longer than they should. The sad part is that the manipulative partner usually senses that fear and leans into it.
Healing changes the whole equation. When a person knows they’ll be okay on their own, the tolerance for disrespect drops very quickly. What once felt “better than nothing” suddenly becomes something they’re no longer willing to carry.
Thanks for highlighting this 💜