The Truth about Attachment: The Science of Secure Connection
Attachment is kind of having a moment.
Attachment and its associated lingo (e.g, secure vs. insecure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized) are part of online profiles, first dates, and everyday relationship language. You can thank TikTok (seriously…there is a TON of attachment content out there).
Maybe you’re described an ex as “avoidant” or said you’re “anxiously attached.” But are you using those terms correctly? More importantly, the way you think about attachment may be counterproductive to finding the relationship you want. That’s a problem.
I’m not going to bore you with the history or a ton of theoretical background (you’ve probably heard it before or can read more here: Hazan & Shaver, 1987; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). That said, here’s a super quick refresher…
Attachment Style Review
Secure: You're comfortable with intimacy and independence, and trust your partner won’t abandon you. It’s basically the goldilocks of relationships where everything feels "just right."
Anxious (Preoccupied): You crave closeness but constantly worry your partner will leave, so you need lots of reassurance and might come across as a bit clingy.
Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized): You want close relationships but are terrified of getting hurt, so you put up walls and experience the exhausting push-pull dance of wanting someone close but also making that hard to achieve.
Dismissive-Avoidant: You value your independence above all else and tend to keep people at arm's length, even when you actually care about them.
Which one sounds like you?
If you don’t know, it’s worth figuring out because your attachment style is modern dating’s version of “What’s your sign?”An important aside…obviously, reading quick descriptions here isn’t the best way to determine your attachment. For that, you’d want to use a scientifically validated scale (e.g., Adult Attachment Scale, Brennan et al., 1998). But for now, the basic review gives you a decent idea.
Attachment is a (the most?) widely researched theory from relationship science that can help people better understand their relationships. That’s the good news. The bad news is that many people think about attachment in counterproductive ways.
What Everyone Gets Wrong about Attachment
Categorizing into Types - People like to say, “I’m securely attached” and reluctantly admit, “I have an anxious attachment style” or “I’m an avoidant.” Humans love labels because groups and categories simplify the world. The problem, of course, I that these groupings are imprecise. Categorical labels (e.g., secure, avoidant, etc.) stick and start to define you. You’re not 100% secure or anxious, though categorical labels make it seem that way.
Attachment is Permanent - If you call yourself anxious, that label starts to feel like part of you. It feels permanent, which is a common misconception about attachment. If you’ve been avoidant or anxious, that does not mean that you will be that way forever. Attachment can shift over time based on experience (and working at being more secure). Instead of saying, “I’m anxiously attached,” think “I’m anxiously attached, for now” or “I’m working at becoming more secure.”
Once You’re Secure You’re Set - Just because you’re currently secure, it doesn’t mean you feel secure 100% of the time, or will always stay secure. Secure people get anxious and have avoidant inclinations creep in. It doesn’t mean you’re no longer secure. It just means that everyone has their moments of doubt. Healthy people can eat a doughnut, secure people can experience jealousy.
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How To Get Attachment Right
Continuums Not Categories - Instead of separate distinct attachment types, it’s more accurate to see where a person fits along two continuums. Instead of thinking in terms of either/or (secure or insecure), you should think in terms of less and more. Research shows that individuals vary on two dimensions: Comfort with closeness and anxiety over abandonment, resulting in four attachment patterns (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991). This approach is helpful because it makes it clear that you don’t fit fully and neatly into a category. For example, if the little red heart in the picture represents an individual’s attachment score, while they are currently in the Anxious/Preoccupied quadrant, if they can lower their anxiety over abandonment, they will be more secure. Instead of “styles” think of attachment in terms of tendencies.
Attachment is Stubborn - Your attachment isn’t permanent, and can change. But it’s difficult. We fall into patterns and habits that are difficult to reverse. For most people, their attachment style when they’re young closely resembles their attachment as an adult. Our connection with our early caregivers establishes our relationship expectations. We then live our life mimicking those familiar patterns. Unless you take steps to recognize counterproductive patterns and make an effort to change, your attachment will largely stay the same.
Attachment is also Malleable - Though attachment generally resists change, if you look closely at how you relate to others, you don’t have the same attachment pattern with everyone. You’re more secure with some people (e.g., your best friend) than others. You may have even noticed your attachment shifting after a break up, or as you fell in love with someone special. Again, this is because your attachment tendencies will shift based on experiences. This is great news! If you’re not fully secure (and really, no one is perfectly secure), you’re not stuck. There’s hope for becoming more secure. (More on that at the end).
What’s My Partner’s Attachment Style?
Once you have sense of your own attachment, it’s only natural to wonder what your current (or potential) partner’s attachment might be. Handing out attachment quizzes on the first date gets awkward. But once you know a lot about attachment, you realize there are subtle signs. Here are several I’ve noticed in coaching clients over the years. (One caveat/warning…none of these are definitive on their own. Be careful not to over diagnose.)
How Can I Become More Secure?
Hopefully you see more of yourself in the subtle signs of security than anxious or avoidant. But if not, you can work on becoming more secure by doing these things:
Believe in Change - You can “earn” more secure attachment (Filosa et al., 2024). Even if you don’t naturally bring security to your relationship, if you believe you can change, you can start improving little by little each day. Be patient. Your attachment has had a few decades to set in. Change will happen, but takes time and you will have slip ups. Stick with it.
Find a Secure Partner and Trust Them - Most people (~70%) are secure, so you can approach most relationships from a place of trust. As you see that someone is secure, allow your trust to grow. Be sure to notice how your secure partner shows up for you by being trustworthy, consistent, reliable, and dependable. Find that type of stability sexy and appealing. Give what you want to get, by being open and sharing yourself with them.
Ask Yourself: What Would a Secure Person Do? Most people think they need to feel secure before they can act secure. It actually works the other way around. Start behaving like a securely attached person and your mindset will follow. That means dating even when you're unsure, staying open and emotionally available, ditching rigid rules, and not freaking out if they don’t text back right away.
Conclusion
Despite attachment’s increasing popularity, it’s more than just a buzzword. Attachment is a powerful lens for understanding how we connect. The real insight occurs when you stop treating it like a fixed label and start using it as a guide for growth. With the right mindset, healthy behavior, and a bit of self-awareness, you’re not stuck with the attachment style you have, you’re shaping the one that best for you and your future relationship.
Do you know someone who loves psychology and/or relationships? Sharing is caring.
Here’s what you can look forward to:
The Psychology of Relationships 101 Curriculum
Is It Just Me? Or, Is This How Relationships Are?Clarity Attracts Chemistry: The Power of Knowing Who You AreThe Flirting Formula: Science-Backed Strategies for ConnectionThe Science of Attraction: It’s Not Just Looks, It’s PsychologyThe Science of Love: From Instant Chemistry to Lasting ConnectionThe Truth about Attachment: The Science of Secure ConnectionSex Ed 2.0: The Conversations We Missed
The Science of Communication: What Builds Connection and What Breaks It
When the Spark Fades: Feeling Adrift in Love
The Erosion of Intimacy: Dealing with the Dark Side of Relationships
Happily Ever After or Single Again: Does My Relationship Have a Future?
The Foundation of Forever: Simple Strategies for Enduring Connection
Break Up Doesn’t Have to Leave You Broken
The Connection Code: Your Keys to Unlocking a Love That Lasts
References
What about subtle signs of someone who is Fearful Avoidant?
Such a great piece! The best advice/information I've seen about the attachment styles (that are now such an it topic)!