The Science of Attraction: It’s Not Just Looks, It’s Psychology

If attraction was really all about looks, dating would be a lot more straightforward.

There would be no mixed signals, miscommunication, personality clashes, awkwardness, or uncertainty. Courtship would come down to an attractiveness match or a mismatch and move on.

Attraction is so much more complicated than simple aesthetics. It’s psychology.

Thankfully so.

Some people are hot, but what if you’re kinda not?

If you’re a 10 out of 10 perfect model, congratulations. You won the genetic lottery. Thank your parents. Most of us, are not perfect 10’s. Luckily, attraction isn’t hopeless for us mortals.

That’s because attraction isn’t an “all or nothing,” you have it or you don’t experience. Creating attraction is a skill, sparks are malleable, which means you can influence it. There’s lots of wiggle room. You’re not stuck. We can all be just a little more appealing and increase our dating odds simply by knowing a little more about the science of attraction.

The only thing holding you back is not knowing which buttons to push.

Who’s ready to push some buttons?

I’m going to share six key psychological principles and research findings related to attraction. There’s a lot of research out there, so know up front that I’m focusing entirely on non-physical elements that you can control or change.

The Golden Rule of Attraction

Everyone likes a good “Golden Rule” that simplifies a seemingly complex concept into a core principle. For attraction, the “Golden Rule” is the idea that we find similarity attractive. The more the better. We want partners who are a lot like us.

At the heart of attraction is the idea that we like being with people who provide rewarding and positive interactions. When early psychologists studied attraction using profiles of “bogus strangers,” they discovered that proportion of similarity is more important than the overall number of similar attitudes. That means it’s more important to be similar on 8 out of 10 traits (i.e., a proportion of 80%) rather than 100 out of 400 traits (i.e., 25%). You’re also more likely to be attracted to someone similar because a “person like me” shares your view of reality (Chu & Lowery, 2023). That helps us enjoy the same things and minimizes conflict.

Similarity is especially important for demographics (e.g., age, ethnicity) and values (e.g., politics, religion, importance of marriage). It’s also more important that we think someone is similar to us, rather than them actually being similar (Montoya et al., 2008). So feeling like you’re potential partner is a lot like you, matters a lot more than if you truly are similar.

Whenever I talk about the “Golden Rule” of similarity in attraction, someone in class or a talk suggests something along the lines of, ”I don’t want to date my clone…that sounds boring.” Agreed, but that doesn’t mean the best partners are opposites.

Opposites Attract (Then Attack)

First, you’re not as “opposite” as you think. You notice the opposites because they’re uncommon (and tend to be points of friction). You overlook all the ways you’re similar (e.g., demographics, values, etc.). A true “opposite” is a recipe for constant conflict.

YOU: Extrovert, active, vegan, loves the beach

THEM: Introvert, homebody, carnivore, hates the beach

Match made in heaven, right? Sounds like a recipe for constant conflict, not relationship bliss. You don’t actually want your opposite, you want novelty. Instead of liking opposite types of music, you both like country music but have different favorite artists (then you can learn to like each other’s favorites). You don’t want to love traveling while your partner hates it. What you really want is to have different experiences so you can learn from each other and share your favorite spots with someone who will appreciate them.

Be strategic: Instead of “opposites”

look for a partner with desirable differences.

Don’t Date Up: Why You Need to Date in Your Own League

Everyone wants to date the most attractive person possible. Maybe you shouldn’t. According to the “matching hypothesis” people pair up with a partner with the same social mate value (Walster et al., 1966). Your social mate value includes everything that makes you more or less desirable to date, such as your physical appearance, qualities, skills, traits, personality, etc. According to the matching hypothesis, if your mate value is a 7 out of 10, you’ll end up with another 7, or very close (e.g., a 6 or an 8). 10s go with 10s, 2s with 2s, and so on.

What you want, and what you get aren’t always the same thing. A study where 200 participants created online dating profiles found that people wanted to “date up” but didn’t try because they feared rejection (Taylor et al., 2011). However, when actually dating online they found people regularly messaged people who were out of their league (i.e., more attractive than them). Why not? Shoot your shot, I guess. Plus rejection online stings less because people aren’t saying “no thanks” or “go away” directly to your face. But their “shotgun” strategy with lots of likes didn’t really pay off (and wasted a lot of time). A “7” contacting a “10” didn’t hear back. The “10” was busy connecting with other “10s.”

What we want, pursue, and actually get are often different.

Imagine a mismatched couple. One’s hot, the other’s not. The less attractive partner is proud of how well they’ve done in the mating game, but simultaneously can’t help but realize that their partner is slumming it a bit. That creates insecurity because the less attractive partner recognizes that a hotter person could come along and steal their partner. Unfortunately, a common reaction is guarding the relationship and increased jealousy (Swami et al., 2012). They’re not totally wrong. When women thought they were more attractive than their male partner, the relationship wasn’t as stable long-term (Fugère et al., 2015). Another study found that when women thought they were less attractive than their husband, they engaged in more dieting behaviors and expressed a higher drive to be thin (Reynolds & Meltzer, 2017).

Personality Goes a Long Way

You’re not allowed to have favorite kids, but as a relationship scientist you are allowed to have a favorite study. This one is mine, partly because it’s based on personal experience. Imagine meeting someone who is incredibly hot. Total smoke show. But, once you start talking to them you realize they’re shallow, materialistic, and dumb. Now, imagine the opposite experience, you meet someone who initially isn’t all that appealing, but reveals an infectious personality. What matters more, their looks or their personality?

As I learned based on firsthand experience, and also suspected when I studied this, personality mattered more (Lewandowski et al, 2007). Positive personality traits made someone instantly more attractive. A bad personality did the opposite. A follow-up study replicated the same phenomenon related to body attractiveness (Swami et al., 2010). When guys knew a woman had a good personality, they found a wider range of body sizes physically attractive. However, when men read about negative personality traits, they were pickier about which body sizes they found attractive. Once again, personality goes a long way.

Be a Good Person

There’s a lot of hacks, tricks, and pickup artists that may help you temporarily boost attraction. But at what cost? There’s a better way…just be a good person. Research shows that when people engage in behavior that intentionally benefits someone else (e.g., emotional support, cooperation, comfort) it boosted their attractiveness (Hansson et al., 2024). You also don’t need to lie or exaggerate. People are more attractive when they’re telling the truth than when they lie (ten Brinke et al., 2023). Be honest, that nice to hear.

Don’t Play It Too Cool

When you’re attracted to someone, the thought of taking the leap to really make a move is terrifying. The fear of rejection and embarrassment can make you reluctant to share your feelings. Holding back kills attraction. Being too nonchalant or acting disinterested can create uncertainty that can backfire and undermine attraction (Birnbaum et al., 2018). To boost attraction you should provide clear signals that show your interest.

We like others who like us.

How is that ever going to work if someone doesn’t know you like them?

According to large-scale study in the U.S. and Norway, one simple way to show interest and increase attraction is showing the other person that you find them funny by laughing or giggling at their jokes (Kennair et al., 2022). There’s something unmistakably attractive about someone who already likes us. (Not only do they have good taste, but the chances of rejection are much lower.) It also helps avoid the “downward spiral of disinterest” where two people are attracted to each other, but neither wants to show it due to fear of rejection. A good personality, kindness, and a bit of laughter goes a long way.

Conclusion

For better or worse, our culture emphasizes superficial appearance. Whether it’s bicep diameter, the “V” shape of our lower abs, thigh gaps, or cheekbone height, it’s refreshing to learn that attraction isn’t all about physical beauty. That means you can skip the excessive hours at the gym, starvation, expensive make-up, or expensive surgeries. Instead, find someone like you who has a great personality, is a good person, and finds you funny.

Please share the love. Do you know someone who loves psychology and/or relationships? Sharing is caring.

Here’s what you can look forward to:

The Psychology of Relationships 101 Curriculum

1. Is It Just Me? Or, Is This How Relationships Are?

2. Clarity Attracts Chemistry: The Power of Knowing Who You Are

3. The Flirting Formula: Science-Backed Strategies for Connection

4. The Science of Attraction: It’s Not Just Looks, It’s Psychology

5. The Science of Love: From Instant Chemistry to Lasting Connection

6. The Truth about Attachment: The Science of Secure Connection

7. Sex Ed 2.0: The Conversations We Missed

8. The Science of Communication: What Builds Connection—and What Breaks It

9. When the Spark Fades: Feeling Adrift in Love

10. The Erosion of Intimacy: Dealing with the Dark Side of Relationships

11. Happily Ever After or Single Again: Does My Relationship Have a Future?

12. The Foundation of Forever: Simple Strategies for Enduring Connection

13. Break Up Doesn’t Have to Leave You Broken

14. The Connection Code: Your Keys to Unlocking a Love That Lasts

References

Birnbaum, G. E., Kanat-Maymon, Y., Mizrahi, M., Barniv, A., Nagar, S., Govinden, J., & Reis, H. T. (2018). Are you into me? Uncertainty and sexual desire in online encounters and established relationships. Computers in Human Behavior, 85, 372-384. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2018.04.023

Chu, C., & Lowery, B. S. (2023). Self-essentialist reasoning underlies the similarity-attraction effect. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 125(5), 1055–1071. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000425

Fugère, M. A., Cousins, A. J., & MacLaren, S. (2015). (Mis)matching in physical attractiveness and women's resistance to mate guarding. Personality and Individual Differences, 87, 190-195.

Hansson, K., Habibnia, H., Goetze, M., & Fiedler, S. (2024). The beauty of prosocial behavior: The bi-directional link between attractiveness and prosocial behavior.Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization, 219, 305-317. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jebo.2024.01.013

Kennair, L. E. O., Wade, T. J., Tallaksen, M. T., Grøntvedt, T. V., Kessler, A. M., Burch, R. L., & Bendixen, M. (2022). Perceived effectiveness of flirtation tactics: The effects of sex, mating context and individual differences in US and Norwegian samples. Evolutionary Psychology, 20(1), 14747049221088011. https://doi.org/10.1177/14747049221088011

Lewandowski, G. J., Aron, A., & Gee, J. (2007). Personality goes a long way: The malleability of opposite-sex physical attractiveness. Personal Relationships, 14(4), 571-585.

Montoya, R. M., Horton, R. S., & Kirchner, J. (2008). Is actual similarity necessary for attraction? A meta-analysis of actual and perceived similarity. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 25(6), 889-922. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407508096700

Reynolds, T., & Meltzer, A. L. (2017). Adopting a dyadic perspective to better understand the association between physical attractiveness and dieting motivations and behaviors. Body Image, 22, 48–52.

Swami, V., Furnham, A., Chamorro-Premuzic, T., Akbar, K., Gordon, N., Harris, T., & ... Tovée, M. J. (2010). More than just skin deep? Personality information influences men's ratings of the attractiveness of women's body sizes. The Journal of Social Psychology, 150(6), 628-647.

Swami, V., Inamdar, S., Stieger, S., Nader, I.W., Pietschnig, J., Tran, U.S., et al. (2012). A dark side of positive illusions? Associations between the love-is-blind bias and the experience of jealousy. Personality and Individual Differences, 53(6), 796-800.

Taylor, L. S., Fiore, A. T., Mendelsohn, G. A., & Cheshire, C. (2011). “Out of my league”: A real-world test of the matching hypothesis. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37, 942–954. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167211409947

ten Brinke, L., Raymundo, I., Mukherjee, M., & Carney, D. R. (2023). Some evidence that truth-tellers are more attractive than liars. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 01461672231207567. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/01461672231207567

Walster, E., Aronson, V., Abrahams, D., & Rottman, L. (1966). Importance of physical attractiveness in dating behavior. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 4, 508-516.