The Psychology of Dating Your Type and Why It Holds You Back
How to understand your relationship patterns and stop repeating them
If dating your “type” worked, it would have worked by now.
You’d be in a relationship, or at least not stuck repeating the same pattern with a different partner.
Maybe you feel like you, “can’t fake chemistry,” “know what I like,” “only click with certain types of people,” “trust my gut,” or “I’m just wired this way.”
I’ve heard them all from clients. Every single one is an excuse. They’re all ways to justify current behavior. All they’re saying is, “I like what I already know and am not willing to change.” Or more simply, “I have a ‘type’ and I’m sticking to it.”
How’s that working out for ya? If it was going to land you in an amazing relationship (that actually lasted), shouldn’t it happened already?
And the most important question of all, that people should REALLY be asking, “Is dating your type really what’s best for you?”
At some point, “the heart wants what it wants” starts to sound a lot like the definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Here’s the harsh truth: Your nervous system isn’t optimized for long-term happiness. It’s optimized for what feels familiar (which feels safe). Sometimes, what’s familiar is actually toxic.
Focusing on your “type” can not only direct you to the exact wrong person, but it also makes it harder to notice the right person when they show up.
All of which leaves you stuck, alone, or both. Let’s fix that.
In the rest of this piece, I share:
How your “type” quietly forms, and why it’s usually a comfort pattern, not real compatibility.
The psychological reason chemistry and “sparks” can be a red flag rather than a green one.
How your type narrows your dating pool and creates tunnel vision without you realizing it.
Why surface-level traits create false positives and keep leading to the same disappointing outcomes.
Are You Choosing Partners or Repeating Patterns? The Toxic Familiarity Trap
A “type” is a preference, but ironically people don’t seem to believe they have much choice about. Psychologically, it’s more accurate to call it a subconscious comfort zone.
Your “type” is familiar, predictable, and emotionally recognizable.
That doesn’t mean it’s helpful.
We often confuse familiarity with safety. But what feels familiar relies on your previous experiences, even when those experiences were unhealthy. When previous relationships were chaotic, distant, or unfulfilling, that’s what feels typical. That’s toxic familiarity, or the tendency to seek out or tolerate emotional patterns that feel normal, even when they hurt.
Dysfunction matches expectations, so it feels “right” and your nervous system feels comfortable. More than that, disruption feels like a necessary condition for sparks. What you call chemistry, butterflies, or “clicking” with someone may not be attraction at all, it may be your body registering uncertainty, fear, or emotional risk. That adrenaline rush doesn’t mean “they’re the one.” It often means “this feels familiar.”
What You’re Looking For Is Hiding What You Need
Focus is powerful determinant of your future. When you feel like you know what you want, you get hyper-focused on blocking out distractions.
“Life” isn’t one absolute or predetermined thing.
“Life” is where you focus your energy, your attention, and love.
In some contexts that’s helpful. But in dating, that focus has a downside: inattentional blindness. In a well-known psychology study, participants counted how many times a basketball was passed between players. Most people were so focused on the counting task that they completely miss a person in a gorilla suit walking through the scene. While that seems impossible, it demonstrates the power of focus.
Looking for one thing, forces you to not see something obvious. When you only look for one type of romantic partner, you miss everyone else.
Your tunnel vision lies to you by making other options invisible.
When you do notice them, the emotionally steady person feels boring. The kind person feels like there’s “no spark.” The secure person gives off “friend vibes.”
What you’re missing may be exactly what you need.
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“I Know What I Like”: A Case Study in Self-Sabotage
There’s another, less romantic, way to look at your “type.”
A “type” is really just a rigid set rules. Worse, they’re a collection of “must-haves” that we’re not even sure leads to long-term relationship success.
Quick story…recently I met a single guy who is in his late 50’s and living in New Jersey. When he found out that I research relationships, he started telling me about his love life (this happens ALL THE TIME).
Really, what he wanted to do was complain. His main grievance was that there were “no good people left to date.”
Skeptical? You should be.
He explains that he has a type just like anyone. I asked him what his “type” was. Here’s what he said: between 5’8” and 5’11”, Italian looking, athletic (not too skinny or overweight), no kids, successful, family oriented, lots of free time to travel (he was retiring soon).
I could see his issue immediately. His “type” was a unicorn, fun to imagine, unlikely to exist.
Was he justified in wanting a partner to have any one of those qualities individually? Absolutely.
Each, by itself, was reasonable. But the combination was killing his chances of finding love. Finding someone who simultaneously is family oriented, but doesn’t have kids is hard. Similarly, successful people are often that way because they work a lot, making having a lot of free time difficult.
In other words, he was narrowing the field so much that connection becomes statistically rare or practically impossible. He was failing at dating not because of lack of options, but because he was filtering himself out of opportunities.
I authentically wanted to help this guy, so I said, “that all sounds great, but it’s a tough combo.” His response? “I know what I like and can’t fake chemistry. I’m not going to settle for someone who’s not my type.”
As an outsider, the solution is obvious….ditch the type.
The Problem With Your Type: It Optimizes for Attraction, Not Happiness
Take a quick look back at how that guy described his type. A LOT of it is actually pretty superficial.
You could chalk it up to men being kinda gross and obsessed about looks. But that’s not really fair (or accurate). Everyone cares about their romantic partner’s appearance and attractiveness. For some it’s about an athletic build or height, while for others it’s about facial hair, tattoos, piercings, a “bad boy” or “good girl” look. We also care about how much money someone makes, how successful or high-status they are, or what stuff they have (houses, cars, watches, shoes, number of followers on Instagram, etc.).
The big problem, is that most “my type” traits are surface-level, appearance-based, and dopamine-driven. Remember, dopamine isn’t actually about happiness, it’s about pursuit and anticipation (Are you a dopamine dater?).
Dopamine fuels wanting, not fulfillment.
Those “my type” qualities don’t have anything to do with long-term relationship fulfillment. Instead, “type” favors chemistry over authentic compatibility.
However, if you define your “type” as someone who is kind, caring, and supportive, while making you feel seen, heard, and understood, I’m fully endorse you using your “type” to direct all future relationship decisions. Unfortunately, that’s not how anyone defines their “type.”
Your “Type” is a Relic
There’s a reason why your “type” isn’t a collection of high character characteristics (and it’s something no one considers).
You established your type at the wrong time in your life.
You likely found your type early in your dating history. Back then, you didn’t know yourself very well (or at least not as well as you do now). You had limited experience. You didn’t know what when into a great relationship. You were more unsure of yourself, and unfortunately willing to accept less.
And sometimes, your type is a “fixer-upper” or “project partner” because at that time you needed something to do, someone to fix, chase, prove yourself to, or feel needed by. The emotionally unavailable partner. The mysterious one. The standoffish one. The one who needs work. Each type, takes the emphasis off of you and your issues. That worked back then, and may have served a purpose.
However, your needs have changed. Your values have shifted. Your boundaries have improved. Your standards in other areas of life have evolved.
So why should what you were drawn to back then still dictate your choices now?
Researchers refer to this as cognitive entrenchment, mental rigidity that makes it hard to update beliefs even when evidence suggests they’re no longer serving you (Dane, 2010). When you frame it that way, your type starts to look a lot less romantic, and a lot more stubbornly useless.
Your “Type” is a Convenient Default: Why Most People Aren’t Really Choosing at All
Finding a partner is hard. Sorting through the options, meeting people, having awkward conversations, and waiting to see if it was all worth it takes a lot of effort.
No one wants dating to feel like work, so they wing it. Most people don’t date with any strategy. They’re not intentional and instead leave it up to the other person, or to fate. That might sounds romantic, but it’s actually reckless.
That’s because your “type” determines your dating pool. You may think you’re a “bad picker” but if you consistently choose from the wrong pool, you’ll consistently get bad results.
A business can’t be successful if they hire from a terrible applicant pool. Dating works the same way.
That’s good news, because it’s one of the few parts of dating that’s actually under your control.
Conclusion
If what you’re doing worked, it would have worked by now. Breaking up with your type might be the most productive dating decision you ever make.
Know someone who enjoys psychology or relationships? Please help share relationship psychology with others by referring them here:
Here are other ways to learn more about the Psychology of Relationships:
Substack Series: The Psychology of Relationships 101 Curriculum
My podcast: Love Strategies
Here’s what you can look forward to in the rest of this series:
Love Smarter: Psychology for Empowered Connection
The Hidden Cost of Being Too Nice (and the Strategy That Fixes It)The Quiet Power of Real Confidence in Love and LifeShould You Get Back Together with Your Ex? 5 Signs to Help You DecideWhat to Say to (Kindly) Break Up with AnyoneT
he Hidden Signs that Reveal Someone’s Attachment StyleRelationship Resolutions: Building Better Habits to Find Love and ConnectionThe Chemistry of Love: Are You a Dopamine Dater or a Serotonin Dater?The Psychology of Dating Your Type and Why It Holds You BackThe Jealousy Loop: How Fear of Losing Love Creates the Distance You Dread
How to Use Your Intuition to Make Better Relationship Decisions
References
Dane, E. (2010). Reconsidering the trade-off between expertise and flexibility: A cognitive entrenchment perspective. The Academy of Management Review, 35(4), 579–603. https://doi.org/10.5465/AMR.2010.53502832
Kredl, K. F., Kubin, D., & Lydon, J. E. (2024). Self‐concept clarity and the evaluation and selection of incompatible dating partners. Personal Relationships, 31, 1067-1089. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12570
Photo by Arifur Rahman
Note: Please forgive any typos or errors. Non-AI writing has its imperfections. Consider it the patina of a personal touch.
This challenges the idea that attraction alone is a reliable guide and asks for more responsibility in how we choose. It makes space for the possibility that what feels exciting isn’t always what supports growth or stability. I like how it encourages curiosity about patterns instead of loyalty to them. It feels freeing to think that better options might appear once the filter changes.
Paradoxically, it feels like it’s easier to find people with certain physical traits than people with real maturity and emotional intelligence — qualities that just aren’t cultivated much in today’s society. And if someone has actually done some inner work, maybe even gone to therapy, they suddenly become this sort of wise guru surrounded by emotional teenagers. Not because they’re the most evolved human on earth or the “top of the line,” or because there aren’t people even more mature out there, but simply because mature people are becoming unicorns.