This is a paid post because it moves from insight into practice.
Inside, I go deeper with concrete examples, scripts, tools, and step-by-step strategies you can use to navigate dating and relationships more effectively.
First, a quick story based on a client…
Maya always had a clear vision for her life and who she wanted to be. Her goal was simple: Be happy.
When she met Jake, she fell hard. He became the center of her universe. His happiness became heroes, and suddenly her own plans felt less urgent. She wasn’t oblivious. Maya knew deep down that she was setting aside pieces of herself for the relationship.
But if felt like a good trade. Totally worth it, especially since she never wanted to go on a dating app ever again.
Maya was convinced that real love required sacrifice and that’s what made relationships work.
Still, it wasn’t always easy. There were moments when she wondered, “What about me?” But Jake was happy, so she buried those feelings and leaned into her new life.
In her vulnerable moments, Maya felt hollow, like something was missing. But she rationalized it away, convincing herself that this is just what happens when you’re together long enough. It was simpler to relish the moments of happiness and believe they were equally committed to putting each other first. At least she knew she was…
Though I changed the names, the themes in that story are common. Some of it sounds vaguely romantic and it maps onto what we’ve been told to expect about love.
Love requires sacrifice.
But how much is too much?
You’re ready to stop sacrificing so much. No what? In the rest of this piece, I share:
The shocking sacrifice research: it increases commitment but not happiness or closeness and partners miss 50% of sacrifices anyway
Why self-silencing destroys relationships: the 200-couple study showing that suppressing yourself creates the conflict you’re trying to avoid, plus links to depression
The happiness vs. fulfillment distinction: why aiming for happy isn’t aiming high enough, and how eudaimonia (flourishing through challenge) transforms relationships
The selfish-in-a-good-way framework: how protecting your energy, pursuing growth, and showing up whole strengthens the relationship more than martyrdom ever could
You Before Me: Why Martyrdom Backfires
Putting your partner first sounds like the epitome of true love.
