Sex feels good.
I know, I know. Bold claim.
But our preoccupation with sex really starts with that simple fact. We like things that feel good and bring us pleasure. Sex makes us happy. That’s not good or bad. It just is.
Those great feelings linger. Call it the afterglow. In a study tracking newlyweds over a two-week period, researchers found that on days couples had sex, they reported greater sexual satisfaction, and that feeling lasted for up to 48 hours (Meltzer et al., 2017). Scientific evidence of the afterglooo…ooow.
No wonder why we pay so much attention to how much sex we’re having.
But maybe we shouldn’t.
Is Your Sex Life Ruining Your Relationship? Maybe It’s a Bad Test
There are plenty of ways to determine if your relationship is going well. One of the most common “tests” that people use is how much sex they have.
As tests go, sexual frequency is tricky because we inevitably compare our relationship today with how it was early on. It’s not a fair test.
Think back to when you first fell in love. Chances are, you were also having the most sex. When you saw or thought about your partner, your knees were weak, palms sweaty, your partner was on your mind; when it came to sex, you always felt ready. (You might say that you lost yourself).
In those early stages, passion runs high. Neuroscience shows that simply looking at or thinking about a loved one activates brain regions rich in dopamine, the neurotransmitter tied to motivation and reward (Bartels & Zeki, 2000). These chemical shifts make the highs of love particularly memorable. As a result, the euphoric, emotional, and all-consuming aspects of love, what researchers call passionate love, feel especially powerful (Regan, 2009).
Here’s the problem: Sparks, chemistry, and butterflies are all overrated. Yes, they’re important, but for long-lasting fulfilling love, they’re not the top priorities. For example, feeling safe, secure, comfortable being yourself, and like you have opportunities to grow all matter more than butterflies. That’s not sexy, but it’s true.
I get it. No one ever wants to believe that sex isn’t critical to relationship success. However, when researchers looked for the link between sexual frequency and marital satisfaction, they found absolutely nothing (Schoenfeld et al., 2017). Zero connection. More sex didn’t create more relationship happiness. It wasn’t just one study either. A major four-year study of over 200 marriages, where couples in their mid-20s were tracked every 6-8 months found the same thing (McNulty et al., 2016). Having less sex didn’t make people less satisfied, and being happier didn’t lead to more sex in the future. Sex just isn’t the critical factor in satisfaction and happiness.
Great relationships aren’t built on sexual frequency,
they’re built on emotional connection.
There’s a lesson in here: In dating, everyone focuses on sexual chemistry. Yet, in long-term relationships, emotional chemistry is what really matters. That’s the intimacy trap.
It makes you think, “I've used physical intimacy as a shortcut. I know that backfires. But what do I actually do instead??
Knowing the trap exists doesn't get you out of it. The way out requires a different approach, one most people have never been taught.
Coming up, learn the surprising ‘magic number’ from 30,000+ people: how much sex actually predicts happiness (it’s not what you think), how to navigate the ‘Annie Hall Problem,’ what counts for sexual quality, what it really means when wives initiate sex (also not what you think), and the appreciation formula that naturally increases intimacy.
How Much Sex Do Others Have?
We’re all a little insecure when it comes to sex. What I mean is that we tend to secretly assume everyone else is having more of it than we are. So what’s the data say?
It’s awkward for you to ask a bunch of people questions about their sex life. Luckily, relationship scientists aren’t shy. In a large study of 16,000 Americans, most couples reported having sex less than once a week, about 2–3 times a month (Blanchflower & Oswald, 2004). Younger couples did a little better, but “more” was still just about once a week.
And if you think that was the past and people today are more active. Wrong. More recent research shows couples are actually having sex less often than they used to (Twenge et al., 2017). In fact, many claim that we’re currently in a sexual recession. Here’s what many never saw coming: The generation that invented “hooking up” actually hooks up less. The Institute of Family Studies found that the number of 18 to 64-year-olds having sex weekly plummeted from 55% in 1990 to just 37% in 2024.
The general trend is clear: sex frequency drops over time, both across society and across the lifespan (Twenge et al., 2017). After 25, the average person’s sexual frequency declines about 3% each year. By 40, we’re having sex about half as often as we did in our mid-20s.
How Much Sex Are We Having in Our Own Relationship?
This feels like an easy question to answer. I mean, you’re both there. So partners should agree on the number of times they’ve had sex in the last week or month. And couples do. Counting is the easy part.
What gets challenging is how partners interpret those numbers. Despite partners agreeing on how often they had sex (“we had sex three times last month”) they often view that number very differently.
I call it the “Annie Hall Problem,” named after this scene from the classic film Annie Hall. Alvy (Woody Allen) and Annie (Diane Keaton), struggling with their relationship, are separately confiding in their therapists. Alvy’s therapist asks, “How often do you sleep together?” to which Alvy replies with regret, “Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.” Meanwhile, Annie’s therapist poses a similar question: “Do you have sex often?” Annie answers with clear frustration, “Constantly. I’d say three times a week.” Both of them agree on the frequency, but see the exact same experiences quite differently.
How Much Sex Is Ideal? The Magic Number
But who’s right? What counts as “enough?”
It’d be nice to have a target number, right? Relationship science has you covered. Researchers at the University of Toronto–Mississauga analyzed data from over 30,000 Americans to answer the question everyone is dying to have answered: How much sex should couples have? (Muise et al., 2016).
Their answer: once a week. Couples who had sex at least that often were happier than those who didn’t. Couple who had more sex than that didn’t add extra benefits for the relationship. The same held true for overall life satisfaction.
Surprised? Once a week feels low, but that’s the beauty of it. Once a week is realistic and sustainable. Even better, it’s consistent across the board: men and women, young and old, short- and long-term couples all showed the same pattern. As lead researcher Amy Muise put it, “It’s important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner, but you don’t need to have sex every day as long as you’re maintaining that connection.”
Sex shouldn’t be a chore, it should be a celebration of your relationship.
Once a week is an attainable goal. If you’re not there yet, work on it. Quality relationships don’t just happen. They take a little effort.
Now you have the target. The harder question is what to do when you’re not there — and why the gap opened in the first place.
The paid archive covers both: When the Spark Fades is the direct continuation of what you just read, and The Erosion of Intimacy goes into the slow drift that happens in most long-term relationships before couples realize it.
$75 for the year. Less than one therapy session, and unlike therapy, it doesn’t end after 50 minutes.
Practice Makes Pleasure
Quality sex takes some effort too. Like any other aspect of dating and relationships, sex is a skill. That means you can improve it. To do that, focus on quality, not quantity.
Imperfect sex isn’t a red flag. It’s an opportunity to improve.
Think about it. Would you rather eat a giant plate of bad frozen food, or a smaller dish crafted by a Michelin-star chef? Sex works the same way.
A study of nearly 10,000 older adults (ages 50–85) found that more sex didn’t equal better sex (Gillespie, 2017). In fact, the people who reported the most enjoyable sex weren’t having it every day, they were having it less than once or twice a week.
The secret to better sex? “An expansive sexual repertoire.” Sounds interesting. Essentially, the more tricks people had up their sleeves (or wherever they kept their tricks) the better sexual experiences they had. Sexual novelty matters (Matthews et al., 2018). That means mixing things up to keep it interesting, trying new positions and places to inject novelty and make things more exciting. Couples who do this have more satisfying sex and relationships.
Lots of boring sex doesn’t help. Quality does.
Let’s Do It…More!
The thing with sex is that even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good, so people always want to have more.
If a couple isn’t having much sex, the obvious solution seems simple: just have more. You’ve probably heard of “sex challenges” where couples commit to daily sex for a week, or even a month (for the more energetic/ambitious), based on the belief that more sex equals more happiness. Sounds logical. But does it work?
Researchers at Carnegie Mellon put this to the test with over 100 middle-aged couples (Loewenstein et al., 2015). Some couples got lucky and were randomly told to double their usual amount of sex, while others kept their normal routine. For three months, researchers tracked both groups.
As expected, the “more sex” couples had more sex. That sounds good for them, but here’s the twist: it didn’t make them happier. In fact, both men and women in the more-sex group reported lower mood, less excitement, and less energy.
Not only does forcing more sex fail to improve relationships, the challenge may even backfire. When sex feels like an obligation instead of desire, it loses the spark that makes it meaningful.
A more natural and organic way to bolster your sex life is by making the relationship better. When researchers asked what led to more sex in marriage, the answer is beautifully simple: husbands need to step up their appreciation game (Schoenfeld et al., 2017).
In other words, when men consistently express love, give genuine compliments, and show appreciation, couples have significantly more sex. The key ingredient is husbands creating positive emotional connection through words and actions. Think daily “I love yous,” authentic compliments, and genuine appreciation for who she is and what she does.
The magic ingredient is appreciation:
when partners show love and gratitude, intimacy thrives.
It didn’t work the same for wives. For wives being extra nice didn’t boost sexual frequency, and surprisingly, negative behaviors from either partner didn’t decrease it either.
Great sex starts with great relationship habits.
When partners actively nurture emotional intimacy through consistent positive interactions, physical intimacy naturally follows. It’s not about grand gestures or avoiding all conflict, it’s about showing up with love and appreciation every single day.
Careful…More Sex May Not Mean What You Think
Interestingly, couples who started out reporting worse marriages later reported having more sex (McNulty et al., 2016). In other words: bad marriage now = more sex later. Why? Researchers suggest that when spouses are unhappy overall, they may zero in on sex, either as a way to fix the relationship or at least to squeeze some benefits from it.
This idea lines up with another study that found when husbands feel in love, they show more affection and try to initiate sex more often (Schoenfeld et al., 2012). That tracks. Wives, however, show the opposite pattern: When they feel less in love, they’re actually more likely to seek sex.
Taken together, this suggests that more sex doesn’t necessarily mean a better relationship. In fact, when wives initiate more often, it may be a warning sign that the relationship is struggling.
Conclusion
Great relationships aren’t defined by how often you have sex, but by how deeply you connect. When partners focus on appreciation, intimacy, and quality over quantity, sex becomes a celebration instead of a test.
Build the bond first, and the passion will follow naturally.
Great relationships aren’t built on sexual frequency, you know that now. They’re built on emotional connection. The paid archive is where the practical tools for building and rebuilding that connection live.
If you enjoyed this article, please leave a like or restack. Thank you for helping me share relationship psychology with the world!
Have a comment? Please share. I read every one.
Know someone who may fall into this trap? Share this with them. You don’t have to say a word, let the article do the heavy lifting.
Here are other ways to learn more about the Psychology of Relationships:
My podcast: Love Strategies
My website: www.PsychologyofRelationships.com
Why Smart People Make Bad Relationship Choices: The Myths Ruining Your Love Life
What If Everything You Believe About Love Is Wrong?The Gender Myth: How ‘Men vs. Women’ Thinking Destroys IntimacyPerfectly Flawed: How Realistic Expectations Create Lasting LoveChemistry Beyond the Checklist: Why Looks and Status Aren’t EnoughThe Intimacy Trap: When Sex Becomes a Relationship TestChange Them or Choose Them: You Can’t Do Both
The Martyr Myth: How Self-Sacrifice Sabotages Love
The Proximity Paradox: Why Closeness Isn’t Always Connection
Conflict as Connection: The Surprising Truth About Arguments
Needy vs. Needed: Reclaiming Your Emotional Independence
Stronger Than You Think: Surviving Break Up
If you haven’t already, you can check out the previous series: The Psychology of Relationships 101 Curriculum
References
Bartels, A., & Zeki, S. (2000). The neural basis of romantic love. Neuroreport: For Rapid Communication of Neuroscience Research, 11 (17), 3829-3834.
Blanchflower, D. G., & Oswald, A. J. (2004) Money, sex and happiness: An empirical study. Scandinavian Journal of Economics, 106, 393-415.
Gillespie, B. J. (2017). Correlates of sex frequency and sexual satisfaction among partnered older adults. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 43(5), 403-423. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2016.1176608
Loewenstein, G., Krishnamurti, T., Kopsic, J., & McDonald, D. (2015). Does increased sexual frequency enhance happiness?. Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization, 116, 206-218.
Matthews, S. J. & Giuliano, T. A. & Rosa, M. N. & Thomas, K. H. & Swift, B. A. & Ahearn, N. D. & Garcia, A. G. & Smith, S. R. & Niblett, C. M. & Mills, M. M. (2018). The battle against bedroom boredom: Development and validation of a brief measure of sexual novelty in relationships. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 27(3), 277-287.
McNulty, J. K., Wenner, C. A., & Fisher, T. D. (2016). Longitudinal associations among relationship satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, and frequency of sex in early marriage. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 45(1), 85-97.
Meltzer, A. L., Makhanova, A., Hicks, L. L., French, J. E., McNulty, J. K., & Bradbury, T. N. (2017). Quantifying the sexual afterglow: The lingering benefits of sex and their implications for pair-bonded relationships. Psychological Science, 28(5), 587-598.
Muise, A., Schimmack, U., & Impett, E. A. (2016). Sexual frequency predicts greater well-being, but more is not always better. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 7(4), 295-302.
Schoenfeld, E. A., Bredow, C. A., & Huston, T. L. (2012). Do men and women show love differently in marriage? Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38, 1396–1409.
Schoenfeld, E. A., Loving, T. J., Pope, M. T., Huston, T. L., & Štulhofer, A. (2017). Does sex really matter? Examining the connections between spouses’ nonsexual behaviors, sexual frequency, sexual satisfaction, and marital satisfaction. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(2), 489-501.
Twenge, J. M., Sherman, R. A., & Wells, B. E. (2017). Declines in sexual frequency among American adults, 1989–2014. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46, 2389–2401.
Photo by Cottonbro Studio
Note: Please forgive any typos or errors. Non-AI writing has its imperfections. Consider it the patina of a personal touch.
Such an interesting read! How I love cited sources in articles lol. Great one!
One of the great myths perpetually perpetrated in Hollywood is that sex should be spontaneous and emotional rather than scheduled and deliberate. It should be the outworking of mutual commitment, and this principle scales up to the marriage union in general: it is about commitment, not emotion. Social engineering (let's get it right: anti Biblical social engineering) takes this in the wrong (immoral) direction and almost everyone succumbs.