The Foundation of Forever: Simple Strategies for Enduring Connection

Keeping your relationship going strong is easier than you think.

Healthy relationships shouldn’t be hard, but they do take (a little) work.

“So, it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day…” ~ Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)

That’s OK. The work makes it worth it. After all, when something is important to you, you take care of it. Your relationship shouldn’t be any different.

Smart move, because boredom is a relationship killer (Tsapelas et al., 2009). Research shows that those who reported more marital boredom reported less marital satisfaction 9 years later. When you don’t put in the work, the spark fades, and it becomes easy to feel adrift in love.

The thing is, “relationship work” is a terrible name. Calling it “work” makes it sound a lot more painful than it really is. It doesn’t have to be that hard.

Here’s an perfect example of relationship “work”: Marc Randolph, Co-Founder of Netflix, explained on . As he the Tim Ferriss podcast, “I was not going to be one of those entrepreneurs who was on his sixth startup and his sixth wife.” So to avoid that, this is the work he put in, “… every Tuesday without fail, 5 p.m., I left the office and my wife and I did a date night.”

We need more of this energy in relationships. Maintaining your relationship and keeping it going strong doesn’t have to be some onerous task. Why is it that, when it comes to relationships, we tend to overcomplicate things?

Instead, what happens if we asked, “What would building a healthy relationship look like if it were easy?”

3 Simple Ways to Improve Any Relationship

I think it comes down to three basic strategies:

1) Do More

2) Demand Less

3) Better Appreciate What You Have

1) Do More

The “do more” types are the people who see a problem and attack it head-on. If this is you, when something feels off, you have difficulty just sitting there. Instead, you want to do something…anything. You want to dive in and devote the time and energy to fix what’s wrong. You prefer to be proactive by looking for what you can add or improve to address potential problems before they arise.

Even though this is the most active and energy intensive way to improve your relationship, it still doesn’t have to be hard. Here are a few easy ways to “do more”:

• N.I.C.E. Dates. A relationship boost can really be as simple as having more date nights. But don’t just have any date, make them more impactful by doing what I call in my book "N.I.C.E." activities or those that are “New, Interesting, Challenging, and Exciting." Research shows that couples who do things together with those four qualities have better relationships (Aron et al., 2022). Do fun things, strengthen your bond. Win win.

• Boost Relationship Knowledge and Skills. You’re reading a Psychology of Relationships Substack, so you’re off to a great start. You can also spend time building your relationship skills. There are lots to choose from, but here are some of the best (Epstein et al., 2013):

  • communication

  • conflict resolution

  • how well you know your partner

  • how well you know yourself

  • life management

  • stress management

  • sexual/romantic skills

• The good news is that most of these skills relate to self-improvement (i.e., you don’t need your partner’s help), which makes them easier to implement. Because they’re skills, it also means there is always room for improvement, so you should return to them often. The research is clear, the better you are at these skills, the better your relationship will be.

• Do More in Bed. Here’s a fun one: Doing more sexually, particularly in terms of greater sexual/erotic variety, increases sexual arousal and desire (Morton & Gorzalka, 2015). More desire and arousal improve sexual satisfaction by counteracting familiarity and boredom, which helps minimize the potential for infidelity. See that, this relationship “work” isn’t all that bad.

Quick note: I’ve enabled paid subscriptions for those of you who want a deeper dive. Here’s what that includes: weekly longer evidence-based pieces, practical tools, and access to the full archive. Zero pressure…I’ll keep showing up in your inbox as always. Just an option if you’re eager to build skills and learn even more.

2) Demand Less

Don’t feel like you have the time or energy to add more to your already hectic life? Sometimes the answer isn’t to do more, but to want less.

This isn’t suggesting that you ditch your standards and settle for a miserable relationship. Rather, you should properly calibrate your expectations and be more realistic. Savor having enough. (Check out this classic story about enough involving Kurt Vonnegut and Joseph Heller)

The "demand less" strategy resonates with people who recognize that their own expectations, interpretations, or relationship rules play a big role in their happiness. For example, seeing a partner’s occasional moodiness as a deal breaker or believing couples in good relationships don’t fight are both overly strict expectations, which is counterproductive.

The key to the “demand less” approach is realizing that, as Hamlet said, “…there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” In other words, the problem may not be the relationship, but how you’re looking at it.

Here are 3 ways to shift your perspective:

• A Soulmate Solution? We all want a relationship full of romance and magic. There are few things more romantic than finding your soulmate. However, seeing your partner as a soulmate can force them to live up to a nearly impossible standard. That’s because no one is truly flawless. Soulmates are allegedly your perfect match, the one person who is best suited for you, the person you’re destined to be with (Knee & Petty, 2013). When your partner inevitably falls short of soulmate-worthy performance, doubt and disappointment creep in. Now you may wonder if this is the right relationship, the right partner, and your relationship may feel like a fraud. The fact is, soulmates are more mythical than magical. Ditch the impossible standards and your relationship will instantly feel better.

• Manage Expectations. In the movie "Up in the Air," Anna Kendrick's character, Natalie, has an extensive and oddly specific list of what she wants in a partner and self-righteously proclaims, “I just don't want to settle.” Vera Farmiga’s more experienced character, Alex, explains that not checking every box on a partner wish list isn’t a failure. Unrealistic expectations, however, will fail you because they set your partner up to fail, and you for constant disappointment. Instead, demand less by realizing you’re not perfect, which makes it perfectly reasonable that you’re partner isn’t either. Having exceedingly high expectations and always wanting more can result in not appreciating the great partner you have.

The difference between your partner’s actions being super annoying or endearing is love.

• Beware of “Problemicity.” Even if you’ve properly calibrated your expectations, you may still be overly critical of your partner. We have a natural negativity bias that encourages us to pay more attention to the bad aspects of an experience (Rozin & Royzman, 2001). One way that happens is by engaging in “problemicity” or finding problems where they don’t exist. In fact, research suggests that when your relationship doesn’t have any big problems, you tend to overemphasize the smaller issues (Levari et al., 2018). An easy way to demand less is by not manufacturing drama and seeking out problems. The fact is, every relationship (and partner) has a combination of good and bad qualities. What you look for, you’ll find.

A Word of Caution: Demanding less is not about disregarding all of your standards. While lowering expectations a bit can improve happiness, if you go too far you’ll surely be miserable. Go far enough and the world’s worst relationship may seem acceptable. Ultimately, the best standards and expectations are reasonable and realistic.

3) Better Appreciate What You Have

Good news: The best fixes are sometimes the simplest ones. If finding time to “do more” feels impossible and your expectations are honestly fair, you may think, “Now what?”

Well, you can use perhaps the easiest strategy of them all: Cherish your current relationship. Alan Kay said, “A change of perspective is worth 80 IQ points.”

Wise words.

Time to get wiser about your love life. Here are three ways to do that:

• Have an Attitude of Gratitude. Sometimes relationship improvement is as simple as being more thankful for what you already have. Take stock of everything about your relationship that is easy, comfortable, uncomplicated, stable, and predictable. We take so much for granted in our relationship, but especially these basic building blocks. Something as simple as expressing gratitude about them (or other positive aspects of your relationship) improves relationship quality (Algoe et al., 2013).

  • Interested in a deeper dive into gratitude? Here’s are 7 Easy Ways to Boost Empowered Appreciation

• Celebrate the Positives. It’s also OK to take that appreciation one step further by doing even more to highlight the good parts. Researchers call this capitalization and find that savoring the good news and positive moments in a relationship boosts individual partners’ well-being and self-esteem (Gable & Reis, 2010). Capitalization also increases the relationship’s closeness, satisfaction, intimacy, and commitment. Ultimately, good relationships have a lot more positives than negatives. We just need to take the time to notice.

• Use Your Illusions. (Wait, was that a Guns N’ Roses references? Yes, yes it was.) Now you may wonder if you can take all of this gratitude and positivity too far. What if your partner and relationship really aren’t as great as you’re making it seem? What if you’re wrong, or worse, lying to yourself? That’s OK. In fact, holding positive illusions, where you see your relationship as better than it is, actually helps the relationship (Murray et al., 1996). Our overly generous assessments give our partner a goal to aim for that encourages their improvement (e.g., “My partner thinks I’m really wonderful, so I better make sure I am so they’re not disappointed.”) When you partner works on being better, it means you get to be with a better partner. That benefits you and the relationship.

What Strategy Is Best?

When I’ve talked about these three strategies on interviews, the interviewer or podcast host inevitably asks, “Which strategy is best?” My answer feels a little flippant, but it’s the truth, “Whichever one you’re most likely to actually use.”

That comes down to how you prefer to tackle problems.

• If you’re action-oriented, do more.

• Are you a bit picky, judgmental, or hard to please? Demand less.

• If you feel like you simply need to take a step back and reevaluate, take a moment to better appreciate and savor what you have.

The one that’s going to let you get started right away is BY FAR the best strategy for you. Once you put that in motion, you’ll build some positive momentum that you can use to add other strategies. Mix and match, or stick with the one that works best. The only thing that matters is that you’re working to improve your relationship. Its future is too important to do anything else.

Conclusion

Every relationship needs tending, just like anything else that matters in your life. Whether you're doing more, demanding less, or better appreciating what you already have, the point is this: improvement is always possible, and it doesn't have to be overwhelming. Small, intentional shifts create real change, and the stronger, more connected relationship you want is well within reach.

Know someone else who should take this “course,” enjoys psychology, has a relationship, or hopes to one day? Please refer them here:

Here’s what you can look forward to:

The Psychology of Relationships 101 Curriculum

1. Is It Just Me? Or, Is This How Relationships Are?

2. Clarity Attracts Chemistry: The Power of Knowing Who You Are

3. The Flirting Formula: Science-Backed Strategies for Connection

4. The Science of Attraction: It’s Not Just Looks, It’s Psychology

5. The Science of Love: From Instant Chemistry to Lasting Connection

6. The Truth about Attachment: The Science of Secure Connection

7. Sex Ed 2.0: The Conversations We Missed

8. The Science of Communication: What Builds Connection and What Breaks It

9. When the Spark Fades: Feeling Adrift in Love

10. The Erosion of Intimacy: Dealing with the Dark Side of Relationships

11. Happily Ever After or Single Again: Does My Relationship Have a Future?

12. The Foundation of Forever: Simple Strategies for Enduring Connection

13. Break Up Doesn’t Have to Leave You Broken

14. The Connection Code: Your Keys to Unlocking a Love That Lasts

References

Algoe, S. B., Fredrickson, B. L., & Gable, S. L. (2013). The social functions of the emotion of gratitude via expression. Emotion, 13(4), 605–609. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0032701

Aron, A., Lewandowski, G., Branand, B., Mashek, D., & Aron, E. (2022). Self-expansion motivation and inclusion of others in self: An updated review. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 39(12), 3821-3852. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075221110630

Epstein, R., Warfel, R., Johnson, J., Smith, R., & McKinney, P. (2013). Which relationship skills count most? Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 12 (4), 297–313, https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2013.836047

Gable, S. L., & Reis, H. T. (2010). Good news! Capitalizing on positive events in an interpersonal context. In M. P. Zanna (Ed.), Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 42, pp. 195–257). Academic Press. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(10)42004-3

Knee, C. R., & Petty, K. N. (2013). Implicit theories of relationships: Destiny and growth beliefs. In J. A. Simpson & L. Campbell (Eds.), The Oxford Handbook of Close Relationships (pp. 183–198). Oxford University Press.

Levari, D. E., Gilbert, D. T., Wilson, T. D., Sievers, B., Amodio, D. M., & Wheatley, T. (2018). Prevalence-induced concept change in human judgment. Science, 360(6396), 1465–1467.

Morton, H., & Gorzalka, B. B. (2015). Role of partner novelty in sexual functioning: A review. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 41(6), 593–609. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2014.958788

Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (1996). The self-fulfilling nature of positive illusions in romantic relationships: Love is not blind, but prescient. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71(6), 1155–1180.

Rozin, P., & Royzman, E. B. (2001). Negativity bias, negativity dominance, and contagion. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 5(4), 296–320.

Tsapelas, I., Aron, A., & Orbuch, T. (2009). Marital boredom now predicts less satisfaction 9 years later. Psychological Science, 20(5), 543-545. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2009.02332.x

Photo by Andre Furtado

Note: Please forgive any typos or errors. Non-AI writing has its imperfections. Consider it the patina of a personal touch.