What’s the difference between flirting and connecting with someone. what would you say is the actual goal of flirting?
sometimes i have flirted but it’s too much about wanting someone to pay attention to me. so i am trying to make it less about attention to me and make it much more attention to them and how i can give small acts of my presence to give them space to grow into who they want to be. and i hope they will do the same for me. am not sure that’s flirting. but its connecting. and i wonder what you think is missing or what should be purpose of flirting that i am missing.
so i have been thinking a lot more about what’s really important to me in love and relationships - rather than just just discussing problems with my current relationship.
wonder what you think of this draft of what i might make my first published post?
Title: My First Time Writing This Down: What I Hope For in Love
Subtitle: A reflection on nervous system calm, mutual growth, and the love I’m learning to name.
for the first time in my life, I’ve really been thinking deeply about how I define love, what I actually hope for in a partner, and how I want to feel in a relationship.
It includes a lot I’ve always felt intuitively… but I’ve never tried to say it.Not out loud. Not fully. Not with this much honesty and care.
And what I write here feels tender and a little scary to write.
But I’m sharing it because I think a lot of us are redefining love quietly — and maybe we don’t have to do that alone.And because it helps me to name it and write it down and remember it. And get feedback on it too from people looking to support me.
Below is what I wrote. It’s still in progress (like me), but it feels honest.
💞 What I Hope for in Love & Relationship
A living vision — tender, clear, and strong. Drawn from my posts, my quotes, my conversations, and the kind of love I know is possible.
Love that calms the nervous system and lets the soul exhale
Not intensity. Not performance. But presence.
I want a relationship where my body unclenches — where my nervous system feels safe, and my spirit can rest.
Where love doesn’t demand I prove or perfect myself, but welcomes me exactly as I am. And then accepting me, gently challenges me to be better. And where I do the same for my partner.
“The ones who make your heart feel seen and your nervous system feel calm.”
That kind of presence is rare.
To be fully seen, remembered, and known
I long for a relationship where someone wants to learn me — not just love me in the abstract.
Someone who remembers the little things because they care.
“The daily archaeology of someone’s soul… the small things that whisper: I see you. I learn you. You matter enough to remember.”
I want to feel seen in the everyday — not just when I’m shining, but when I’m silent. When I’m struggling. When I’m just me.
Reciprocity — not perfection, but shared effort
I don’t need constant harmony or flawlessness. I need mutual care.
I want to give and receive. I want to be held and hold space.
I hope for mutual emotional generosity — not one-sidedness.
I want to be - and be with - someone who checks in, who notices, who gives without being asked — the tea before anyone asks for it. The hand on my back. The note I didn’t expect.
Where both people are paying close attention to each other. That way both feel seen and heard and feel comfortable expressing themselves.
Love shouldn’t feel like it has to be earned every day. It should feel like a mirror and magnifier of each other’s best self.
A relationship that helps me become who I want to become
The right relationship doesn’t just comfort you — it grows you.
I want a love that helps me - and my partner - rise into the version of myself I’m becoming and him too.
That will stretch us in good ways. That calls me forward — not by pushing, but by believing in who I am becoming.
“Be someone worth falling for.”
And find someone who’s doing the same.
I don’t want to shrink to fit a dynamic.
I want to expand in it — and support someone else in doing the same.
Tender presence over grand declarations
Love isn’t in the drama.
It’s in the tea, the steadiness, the quiet hands, the thoughtful notes.
“Presence, unearned. Unwavering.”
Words matter — but I value love that acts, that remembers, that shows up without being asked.
Safe vulnerability and trust
To love like this is to be brave.
To hand someone the map of your scars and hope they’ll hold it with care.
I want to build something where it’s safe to say, “This is where it hurts,” and be met with gentleness, not judgment.
Grounded hope — rooted in real presence
I’m not looking for fantasy. I’m building something real.
My hope isn’t naïve — it’s earned by how I keep showing up, keep listening, keep growing.
What I’m willing to offer and hope to receive - and build together with someone.
This is what I believe I can co-create with someone. Hopefully with my current boyfriend — with work. But if not, then a future partner.
I’d love to hear from you:
- What questions are you asking yourself (or your partner) about what love can look like now, not just what you were taught?
- What would you write if you tried to name your own vision — even imperfectly?
I have to tell you, I LOVE THIS. What you wrote here is exactly what we encourage clients to describe in their Love Vision---essentially, what is it that you're looking for in your future relationship. And what you describe is so good because it beautifully captures the feelings someone should have in a fulfilling long-term relationship. (and I think it would make for a fantastic first post!!) Let me know when you publish and I'll restack it.
Thanks so much for your note, encouragement, and such a nice offer to restack my note when I publish it! And I love your term “love vision”. That means a lot to me that you think it’s so good!
One question for you. Is there any chance you could take a look at an updated draft and give me any feedback before I publish it? of course, I understand you may not have time to do that! Either way, I will take you up on your kind offer to send it out. Thanks so much again!!
I'm going to decline to review an updated draft for a very simple reason...you don't need my help. : ) What you have is authentic to you and your experience. That's what makes writing good. Also, if I may, don't get trapped in the belief that a piece of writing needs to be perfect before you publish. There's no such things are perfect or fully "ready" for publication. Do your best, let it sit for a day, review/revise once, then hit publish. Can't wait to see it!
here’s more of what i think. but can you tell me if you agree or disagree? and maybe a little bit why you feel that way?
i also think paying close attention to what’s someone is saying and feeling can make people feel comfortable expressing themselves. so really listening and paying attention i think is another way to lead to a connection. that way , two people can have a space where they feel comfortable expressing themselves which builds a connection. so paying real attention to someone seems like another way (maybe in addition to flirting) to build real connections and bridges to relationships. in a way, paying close attention to someone is another way of flirting maybe? i really would love to know what you thjnk! thank you!
I think that everything you're saying here is SUPER important and key to building a healthy relationship. But I'm not sure it's technically flirting (it's actually better). Flirting is like the initial conversation starter, while what you're describing is the connection builder. Connection is crucial because you want to date in a way that sets up the relationship that you want to form. If it was all flirting, there would be no substance, which would lead to the relationship fizzling out after a short period of time. Hope this helps!
so helpful! sometimes people talk about someone being such a flirt , meaning kind of superficial. but i think flirting can be way to build a genuine connection, in a romantic way. and that’s what it seems like you are saying?
Generally flirting focuses on generating romantic/sexual interest. Connecting can be purely platonic. That said, I'd suggest flirting in ways that don't rely on sexuality, and then pivoting to connecting by getting to know them as a person. In other words, prioritize connection over attention. You can do that by asking questions that give the other person a chance to share who they are and reveal what makes them unique (e.g., "What's your hidden superpower?" or "What's something people get wrong about you?). Flirting opens the door, but shouldn't be the end goal. Hope this helps!
What’s the difference between flirting and connecting with someone. what would you say is the actual goal of flirting?
sometimes i have flirted but it’s too much about wanting someone to pay attention to me. so i am trying to make it less about attention to me and make it much more attention to them and how i can give small acts of my presence to give them space to grow into who they want to be. and i hope they will do the same for me. am not sure that’s flirting. but its connecting. and i wonder what you think is missing or what should be purpose of flirting that i am missing.
so i have been thinking a lot more about what’s really important to me in love and relationships - rather than just just discussing problems with my current relationship.
wonder what you think of this draft of what i might make my first published post?
Title: My First Time Writing This Down: What I Hope For in Love
Subtitle: A reflection on nervous system calm, mutual growth, and the love I’m learning to name.
for the first time in my life, I’ve really been thinking deeply about how I define love, what I actually hope for in a partner, and how I want to feel in a relationship.
It includes a lot I’ve always felt intuitively… but I’ve never tried to say it.Not out loud. Not fully. Not with this much honesty and care.
And what I write here feels tender and a little scary to write.
But I’m sharing it because I think a lot of us are redefining love quietly — and maybe we don’t have to do that alone.And because it helps me to name it and write it down and remember it. And get feedback on it too from people looking to support me.
Below is what I wrote. It’s still in progress (like me), but it feels honest.
💞 What I Hope for in Love & Relationship
A living vision — tender, clear, and strong. Drawn from my posts, my quotes, my conversations, and the kind of love I know is possible.
Love that calms the nervous system and lets the soul exhale
Not intensity. Not performance. But presence.
I want a relationship where my body unclenches — where my nervous system feels safe, and my spirit can rest.
Where love doesn’t demand I prove or perfect myself, but welcomes me exactly as I am. And then accepting me, gently challenges me to be better. And where I do the same for my partner.
“The ones who make your heart feel seen and your nervous system feel calm.”
That kind of presence is rare.
To be fully seen, remembered, and known
I long for a relationship where someone wants to learn me — not just love me in the abstract.
Someone who remembers the little things because they care.
“The daily archaeology of someone’s soul… the small things that whisper: I see you. I learn you. You matter enough to remember.”
I want to feel seen in the everyday — not just when I’m shining, but when I’m silent. When I’m struggling. When I’m just me.
Reciprocity — not perfection, but shared effort
I don’t need constant harmony or flawlessness. I need mutual care.
I want to give and receive. I want to be held and hold space.
I hope for mutual emotional generosity — not one-sidedness.
I want to be - and be with - someone who checks in, who notices, who gives without being asked — the tea before anyone asks for it. The hand on my back. The note I didn’t expect.
Where both people are paying close attention to each other. That way both feel seen and heard and feel comfortable expressing themselves.
Love shouldn’t feel like it has to be earned every day. It should feel like a mirror and magnifier of each other’s best self.
A relationship that helps me become who I want to become
The right relationship doesn’t just comfort you — it grows you.
I want a love that helps me - and my partner - rise into the version of myself I’m becoming and him too.
That will stretch us in good ways. That calls me forward — not by pushing, but by believing in who I am becoming.
“Be someone worth falling for.”
And find someone who’s doing the same.
I don’t want to shrink to fit a dynamic.
I want to expand in it — and support someone else in doing the same.
Tender presence over grand declarations
Love isn’t in the drama.
It’s in the tea, the steadiness, the quiet hands, the thoughtful notes.
“Presence, unearned. Unwavering.”
Words matter — but I value love that acts, that remembers, that shows up without being asked.
Safe vulnerability and trust
To love like this is to be brave.
To hand someone the map of your scars and hope they’ll hold it with care.
I want to build something where it’s safe to say, “This is where it hurts,” and be met with gentleness, not judgment.
Grounded hope — rooted in real presence
I’m not looking for fantasy. I’m building something real.
My hope isn’t naïve — it’s earned by how I keep showing up, keep listening, keep growing.
What I’m willing to offer and hope to receive - and build together with someone.
This is what I believe I can co-create with someone. Hopefully with my current boyfriend — with work. But if not, then a future partner.
I’d love to hear from you:
- What questions are you asking yourself (or your partner) about what love can look like now, not just what you were taught?
- What would you write if you tried to name your own vision — even imperfectly?
I have to tell you, I LOVE THIS. What you wrote here is exactly what we encourage clients to describe in their Love Vision---essentially, what is it that you're looking for in your future relationship. And what you describe is so good because it beautifully captures the feelings someone should have in a fulfilling long-term relationship. (and I think it would make for a fantastic first post!!) Let me know when you publish and I'll restack it.
Thanks so much for your note, encouragement, and such a nice offer to restack my note when I publish it! And I love your term “love vision”. That means a lot to me that you think it’s so good!
One question for you. Is there any chance you could take a look at an updated draft and give me any feedback before I publish it? of course, I understand you may not have time to do that! Either way, I will take you up on your kind offer to send it out. Thanks so much again!!
I'm going to decline to review an updated draft for a very simple reason...you don't need my help. : ) What you have is authentic to you and your experience. That's what makes writing good. Also, if I may, don't get trapped in the belief that a piece of writing needs to be perfect before you publish. There's no such things are perfect or fully "ready" for publication. Do your best, let it sit for a day, review/revise once, then hit publish. Can't wait to see it!
that’s so empowering. thank you!
here’s more of what i think. but can you tell me if you agree or disagree? and maybe a little bit why you feel that way?
i also think paying close attention to what’s someone is saying and feeling can make people feel comfortable expressing themselves. so really listening and paying attention i think is another way to lead to a connection. that way , two people can have a space where they feel comfortable expressing themselves which builds a connection. so paying real attention to someone seems like another way (maybe in addition to flirting) to build real connections and bridges to relationships. in a way, paying close attention to someone is another way of flirting maybe? i really would love to know what you thjnk! thank you!
I think that everything you're saying here is SUPER important and key to building a healthy relationship. But I'm not sure it's technically flirting (it's actually better). Flirting is like the initial conversation starter, while what you're describing is the connection builder. Connection is crucial because you want to date in a way that sets up the relationship that you want to form. If it was all flirting, there would be no substance, which would lead to the relationship fizzling out after a short period of time. Hope this helps!
so helpful! sometimes people talk about someone being such a flirt , meaning kind of superficial. but i think flirting can be way to build a genuine connection, in a romantic way. and that’s what it seems like you are saying?
also,
Generally flirting focuses on generating romantic/sexual interest. Connecting can be purely platonic. That said, I'd suggest flirting in ways that don't rely on sexuality, and then pivoting to connecting by getting to know them as a person. In other words, prioritize connection over attention. You can do that by asking questions that give the other person a chance to share who they are and reveal what makes them unique (e.g., "What's your hidden superpower?" or "What's something people get wrong about you?). Flirting opens the door, but shouldn't be the end goal. Hope this helps!
I liked this
Do pretty girls need to flirt or do they already get enough attention?
Everyone should flirt. Why wait around for others to show interest? Feels like a missed opportunity.