The Flirting Formula: Science-Backed Strategies for Connection

Learn to flirt smarter, not harder.

How good is your flirting game?

Think about the last time you flirted with someone. Did they even notice?

Probably not.

Research finds that roughly 3 out of 4 times someone is flirting, the other person has no clue (Hall et al., 2014). In other words, flirting only gets accurately detected about 25% of the time.

That’s a terrible success rate.

It’s even worse if you’re a guy. Women correctly identified male flirting only 18% of the time. We can’t even blame nerves or “being in our heads,” because objective outside observers are even worse at accurately detecting flirting. All of this means you may be flirting right now, and there’s a really good chance no one realizes it.

The good news? Flirting is a learnable skill, and like any skill, you can get dramatically better at it (Allemand et al., 2022).

You need to flirt better (don’t worry, everyone does).

In this article you’re going to learn about the scientifically-backed “flirty face” technique that boosted detection rates from 25% to 77% (with mirror practice tips so you nail it).

You also get my 5-step flirting challenge that eases you from terrified to confident, complete with exact timelines so you actually do it. You’ll learn the specific touches, positioning, and body language moves that signal romantic (not friendly) interest.

Finally, you’ll get a bonus flirty exchange I’ve tested with 100+ coaching clients that works every single time.

Flirting has a fatal flaw (and you’re probably doing it.)

This is a solvable problem. The problem isn’t with the people detecting flirting. Miserable flirting detection rates are the result of flirters being too subtle. Flirters put themselves out there, just not far enough. It’s tricky because flirting is all about dancing around the line between showing obvious interest and face-saving plausible deniability. Subtlety is integral to flirting because no one wants to suffer embarrassing rejection that damages their self-esteem. Romantic rejection feels like it goes on your permanent record. However, if you don’t take the chance to be a little vulnerable, you’re probably missing out on making connections with partners who are actually interested.

No one rejects you more than you.

Instead, you need to bravely take a little initiative to get the sparks going. If that feels awkward, or you’re thinking, “I don’t know how to do that,” don’t worry. Remember, flirting is a skill you can learn to build. Let’s start building…

There’s more than one way to flirt.

Pick your favorite, or mix and match. Researchers outline five primary flirting styles: physical, playful, polite, sincere and traditional (Hall et al., 2010). Physical flirts rely on body language, playful flirts treat interactions like a game, polite flirts are cautious, sincere flirts seek to establish an authentic connection, while traditional flirts rely on typical gender roles where guys pursue and women aren’t too forward. Playful flirting is better for short-term relationships. Men were more likely to be playful, while women were more likely to be traditional. Overall, those using physical, playful, and sincere styles all had more dating success (all are also more obvious and less subtle).

Paid subscribers get the deeper toolkit: how to tell if someone’s actually interested (vs. just being polite), how to move from a good conversation to an actual date, and the specific strategies I use with coaching clients who keep connecting but never converting. The full archive is included.

$75 for the year. Less than one therapy session, and unlike therapy, it doesn’t end after 50 minutes.

What are the best flirting techniques?

The single best flirting tactic for both men and women was finding the other person funny by giggling or laughing at their jokes (Kennair et al., 2022). Lots of people break the ice through humor. You can show that you appreciate the effort but giving them a laugh. Women also flirted more effectively when they used physical contact. However, women shouldn’t use use hugs or try to be too funny because those suggested more of a friendly (vs. romantic) intention. Men were most effective when they focused on having good conversations, giving compliments, and using humor.

Another study found that women have a definite “flirty face.” (Admit it, you have a flirty face that you’ve been using. But is it the best one?) The best flirty face was when women tilted their head to the side and slightly downward, with their eyes forward, accompanied by a slight smile (Haj-Mohamadi et al., 2021). Men perceived that specific expression as flirtatious 77% of the time. That is a MAJOR improvement over the typically abysmal detection rates. Not only that, but men who saw that flirty face were more attuned to sex words (so clearly that look got guy’s heads in the right place). To pull that specific expression off, practice in a mirror. When doing so, avoid smiles that are too big or too small because those can feel more friendly than flirty.

You also want to position your body in an “expansive body posture” which essentially means taking up more space (Vacharkulksemsuk et al., 2016). To do that in a way that isn’t weird, stand with a wider stance (not with your feet together), and keep your arms out and away from your body (no crossed arms). Expansiveness works for both men and women because it exudes a sense of dominance which can signal higher status and confidence (instead of appearing closed off, cold, or uncomfortable).

Also, when talking to someone be mindful of what I call the “belly button rule.” That is, to show interest you should face your belly button toward the other person’s belly button (don’t make it weird by sticking or pointing it out at them). Calling it the “belly button rule” just makes it easier to remember. More importantly, this positioning keeps you aligned and fully facing each other which shows openness, trust, and approachability.

To really convey your interest you should also “break the touch barrier.” A study had participants attempt to convey 12 different emotions (e.g, anger, fear, gratitude, love), simply by touching another blindfolded participant on the forearm (Hertenstein & Keltner, 2011). Participant’s accuracy at detecting the proper emotion ranged from 43 to 83 percent, without a word ever being spoken. Pull this off by lightly touching the other person (e.g., when they say something funny, laugh and touch their arm while saying “you’re soooo funny!”).

Once you’ve sparked a conversation, you want to show the other person that you’re someone who is responsive and pays attention to their needs, wants, and goals (Itzchakov et al., 2022). In a flirting context, show your responsiveness by facing the other person, maintaining eye contact, nodding, giving good facial expressions, asking follow-up questions, and giving your thoughts.

It’s more important to be interested, than interesting.

What if there are lots of other single people around?

Every once in a while, researchers come up with a stellar title for their research article. One of my recent favorites is an article “I saw him first: Competitive nonverbal flirting among women, the tactics used and their perceived effectiveness” (Joel Wade et al., 2021). Simply and amazing title. They found that in environments where there’s some competition, to win a guy over women had to use “tie signs” which signaled possession or intimacy. Examples include initiating eye contact, giggling at his jokes, touching him, hugging him, butting in between him and the rival, and sharing food or drink (which because of germs, we don’t usually do that with a stranger). Basically, anything to say to him “I like you” and to everyone else “he’s mine.”

Like Any Skill, Flirting Takes Practice: A 5-Step Flirting Challenge

The thought of heading out and flirting is intimidating. Instead, it’s better to sneak up on it a bit with micro goals. Start simple, keep it small, and build from there. The next time you’re out, follow these five steps that I give my coaching clients:

1. Make eye contact with 7 people

2. Smile at 5 people

3. Say “Hi!” to 3 people

4. Ask an innocent question or ask for help from 2 people

5. Flirt with at least 1 person

Notice that I said “out.” You can do this when you buy your morning coffee (skip the drive thru and go in), when you’re at the grocery store, gym, dry cleaners, walking in the park, or running errands around town. Flirting is mostly about being social. Exercise those social/flirty muscles everywhere you go.

You also need a deadline. Saying you’ll do start this challenge someday means never. You’re going to procrastinate. Instead, give your self three days to do step 1. You’ll see that once you get started, you’ll be off and running. Like any skill you practice, it gets easier and easier. (Promise! I’ve seen this work first hand with over 100 clients).

Conclusion

We can improve our flirting game. If you’ve struggled in the past, just know that it’s because you’ve been out of practice. Put yourself out there, be a little vulnerable, and be playful. Dating should be fun, don’t forget that.

BONUS: If you made it this far, thanks for reading! To reward your dedication, here’s my favorite fun and flirty exchange to use:

• You say to them, “Know what I like about you?”

• Then look at them like you’re thinking…squint a little.

• If you like a little drama, throw in a thoughtful, “Hmm…”

• Next, say “Nah…I can’t tell you that yet.”

• Then give a little smile/laugh and say, “Maybe if you’re lucky I’ll tell you later.”

This approach always works wonders!

The science is the starting point. The strategy is what changes things.

You just got the core framework for making a connection. Paid subscribers get the action layer, the specific tools for turning that connection into something real, including the complete attraction and dating strategy toolkit.

$75 for the year. Less than one therapy session, and unlike therapy, it doesn’t end after 50 minutes.

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Please share the love. Do you know someone who loves psychology and/or relationships? Sharing is caring.

Here’s what you can look forward to:

The Psychology of Relationships 101 Curriculum

1. Is It Just Me? Or, Is This How Relationships Are?

2. Clarity Attracts Chemistry: The Power of Knowing Who You Are

3. The Flirting Formula: Science-Backed Strategies for Connection

4. The Science of Attraction: It’s Not Just Looks, It’s Psychology

5. The Science of Love: From Instant Chemistry to Lasting Connection

6. The Truth about Attachment: The Science of Secure Connection

7. Sex Ed 2.0: The Conversations We Missed

8. The Science of Communication: What Builds Connection and What Breaks It

9. When the Spark Fades: Feeling Adrift in Love

10. The Erosion of Intimacy: Dealing with the Dark Side of Relationships

11. Happily Ever After or Single Again: Does My Relationship Have a Future?

12. The Foundation of Forever: Simple Strategies for Enduring Connection

13. Break Up Doesn’t Have to Leave You Broken

14. The Connection Code: Your Keys to Unlocking a Love That Lasts

References

Allemand, M., Gmür, B., & Flückiger, C. (2022). Does extraversion increase following a three-hour flirt training? Exploring two training routes. Scandinavian journal of psychology, 63(3), 265–274. https://doi.org/10.1111/sjop.12803

Haj-Mohamadi, P., Gillath, O., & Rosenberg, E. L. (2021). Identifying a facial expression of flirtation and its effect on men. Journal of Sex Research, 58(2), 137–145. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2020.1805583

Hall, J. A., Carter, S. Cody, Michael, J. & Albright, J. M. (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58, 365-393. doi: 10.1080/014633 73.2 010.524874

Hall, J. A., Xing, C., & Brooks, S. (2014). Accurately detecting flirting: Error management theory, the traditional sexual script, and flirting base rate. Communication Research, 42(7), 939-958. https://doi.org/10.1177/0093650214534972

Hertenstein, M. J., & Keltner, D. (2011). Gender and the communication of emotion via touch. Sex Roles, 64(1-2), 70–80. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-010-9842-y

Itzchakov, G., Reis, H. T., & Weinstein, N. (2022). How to foster perceived partner responsiveness: High‐quality listening is key. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 16(1), Article e12648. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12648

Joel Wade, T., Fisher, M. L., & Clark, E. (2021). I saw him first: Competitive nonverbal flirting among women, the tactics used and their perceived effectiveness. Personality and Individual Differences, 179, Article 110898. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2021.110898

Kennair, L. E. O., Wade, T. J., Tallaksen, M. T., Grøntvedt, T. V., Kessler, A. M., Burch, R. L., & Bendixen, M. (2022). Perceived effectiveness of flirtation tactics: The effects of sex, mating context and individual differences in US and Norwegian samples. Evolutionary Psychology, 20(1), 14747049221088011. https://doi.org/10.1177/14747049221088011

Vacharkulksemsuk, T., Reit, E., Khambatta, P., Eastwick, P. W., Finkel, E. J., & Carney, D. R. (2016). Dominant, open nonverbal displays are attractive at zero-acquaintance. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 113(15), 4009–4014. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1508932113

Note: Please forgive any typos or errors. Non-AI writing has its imperfections. Consider it the patina of a personal touch.