This is one of the most helpful and sensible articles I’ve ever read about relationships.
When I read it, I hadn’t realised who’d written it. I listen to the Love Strategies Podcast on a very regular basis and it’s been a huge help to me in dealing with a traumatic breakup after a 9 year increasingly dysfunctional relationship, and assessing the potential of future relationships.
I met someone on a dating app exactly a month ago and he’s incredibly open and easy to talk to. We have loads of shared interests, hobbies and core values.
Unlike my ex boyfriend and I, we’re incredibly aligned on so many of the questions you list. I know this because we’ve spent hours talking about both big issues and trivia on the phone and 3 long dates. However, I’m not 100% sure if the chemistry/attraction is strong enough for me, but there’s enough there for me to be curious about what this relationship could be. To what extent do you think this side of a relationship can grow and become stronger as a couple get to know each other more?
Thanks for reading and listening to the podcast. It's always nice to hear how it's helping people!! Chemistry/attraction can definitely grow over time. In fact, that is preferable to tons of chemistry from the start, because the chemistry that grows is based on emotional intimacy/connection and not superficial "hotness." I also encourage you to think about the qualities your 100 year old self would tell you to prioritize for long-term love. If you make sure you're optimizing for those, you can't go wrong.
I really like the distinction between chemistry and cohesion here. It echoes something I write about in After the Honeymoon: compatibility is not only about what two people agree on early, but how they manage the ordinary differences that only become visible once a life is being built together.
I worry I can’t remember these questions and ask, is it even okay if I keep my phone on the table and ask the other person to discuss these questions openly?
Reading them one by one and openly discussing
Or how do I go about it?
Because in the moment it’s difficult to ask these questions naturally as a story and if I try and remember I tend to forget some.
Good question! One thing that helps is to not try to memorize the questions, but rather internalize them. Think of them as topics for conversation and sprinkle a few of them in here and there (vs. trying to cover a bunch at once). It’s ok to forget some and not cover every last one. Even if you’re discussing a few, you’re doing better than most. Hope this helps!
Question 17 is the one I keep returning to. Six previous marriages. Each one with a complete and coherent explanation for why it ended that placed all responsibility elsewhere. I heard the stories carefully. I thought I was hearing accountability.
I understand now that the question is not just whether someone can answer it. It’s whether the answer ever arrives at themselves.
These questions with the outline according to 'stage of relationship' are so valuable and I wanted to echo that the timing of asking these questions can make all the difference. Make time -- together --- to get curious with each other about these important areas, because even the behavior around the small stuff can have an impact on your relationship ❤️ 💗
I love how you phrased it as "...get curious with each other about these important areas..." because that's exactly what it should be. A curious, not combative, conversation where you work together to make it work.
This is one of the most helpful and sensible articles I’ve ever read about relationships.
When I read it, I hadn’t realised who’d written it. I listen to the Love Strategies Podcast on a very regular basis and it’s been a huge help to me in dealing with a traumatic breakup after a 9 year increasingly dysfunctional relationship, and assessing the potential of future relationships.
I met someone on a dating app exactly a month ago and he’s incredibly open and easy to talk to. We have loads of shared interests, hobbies and core values.
Unlike my ex boyfriend and I, we’re incredibly aligned on so many of the questions you list. I know this because we’ve spent hours talking about both big issues and trivia on the phone and 3 long dates. However, I’m not 100% sure if the chemistry/attraction is strong enough for me, but there’s enough there for me to be curious about what this relationship could be. To what extent do you think this side of a relationship can grow and become stronger as a couple get to know each other more?
Thanks for reading and listening to the podcast. It's always nice to hear how it's helping people!! Chemistry/attraction can definitely grow over time. In fact, that is preferable to tons of chemistry from the start, because the chemistry that grows is based on emotional intimacy/connection and not superficial "hotness." I also encourage you to think about the qualities your 100 year old self would tell you to prioritize for long-term love. If you make sure you're optimizing for those, you can't go wrong.
Yesss
I really like the distinction between chemistry and cohesion here. It echoes something I write about in After the Honeymoon: compatibility is not only about what two people agree on early, but how they manage the ordinary differences that only become visible once a life is being built together.
I worry I can’t remember these questions and ask, is it even okay if I keep my phone on the table and ask the other person to discuss these questions openly?
Reading them one by one and openly discussing
Or how do I go about it?
Because in the moment it’s difficult to ask these questions naturally as a story and if I try and remember I tend to forget some.
Good question! One thing that helps is to not try to memorize the questions, but rather internalize them. Think of them as topics for conversation and sprinkle a few of them in here and there (vs. trying to cover a bunch at once). It’s ok to forget some and not cover every last one. Even if you’re discussing a few, you’re doing better than most. Hope this helps!
Question 17 is the one I keep returning to. Six previous marriages. Each one with a complete and coherent explanation for why it ended that placed all responsibility elsewhere. I heard the stories carefully. I thought I was hearing accountability.
I understand now that the question is not just whether someone can answer it. It’s whether the answer ever arrives at themselves.
DK, The Unraveling 🤍
I am gonna write it down
These questions with the outline according to 'stage of relationship' are so valuable and I wanted to echo that the timing of asking these questions can make all the difference. Make time -- together --- to get curious with each other about these important areas, because even the behavior around the small stuff can have an impact on your relationship ❤️ 💗
I love how you phrased it as "...get curious with each other about these important areas..." because that's exactly what it should be. A curious, not combative, conversation where you work together to make it work.