Let me start by saying, nice post, I enjoyed reading it a lot. Keep up the good work! I have a question. Recently my partner broke up with me, and one of the reasons was something along the lines of there not being enough spark anymore, basically what you're mentioning in point four. It remains unclear to me, and also to her, what caused that and what that even means practically speaking. It leaves me feeling powerless if the whim of a "spark" ends meaningful connections like its nothing, and brings me anxiety for a potential next partner. According to her, our relationship was really good, strong emotional connection, emotional safety, we talked about issues like adults, she felt loved, etc, etc, but in the end the "spark" (or lack thereof) ended it. So I'm left wondering, what is this spark, how do you work it out with a partner when everything seems good, but "they just lost the spark", so even though the long-term prospects are good, now we have to break up?
Thanks for reading! Sorry to hear about your relationship. Your partner's perspective is a common one. Lots of people rely on "sparks" as indicators of love & relationship harmony. The problem with that perspective is that humans are designed to habituate to stimuli. What feels exhilarating at first, becomes merely interesting, and eventually commonplace. Sparks & excitement are desirable, but they're not what makes long-term fulfilling relationships work. The more telling experiences are feelings of safety, comfort, authenticity, predictability, and reliability. That said, longer term relationships should also seek to infuse their relationship with excitement. I suggest (based on research) NICE activities that are Novel Interesting Challenging and Exciting. These are the most helpful in helping keep the spark alive. Hope this helps!
Thanks for your reply. Interestingly, I implemented some NICE activities in our relationship after talking it over with my partner, like doing a day trip to a city in a different close by country, relationship cardgame, and some others we didn't get to do. For a couple weeks everything seemed pretty good, then she still wanted to break up. Our relationship covered most if not all aspects you name for a good long-term relationship. I guess maybe it needed more time and/or more commitment.
Let me start by saying, nice post, I enjoyed reading it a lot. Keep up the good work! I have a question. Recently my partner broke up with me, and one of the reasons was something along the lines of there not being enough spark anymore, basically what you're mentioning in point four. It remains unclear to me, and also to her, what caused that and what that even means practically speaking. It leaves me feeling powerless if the whim of a "spark" ends meaningful connections like its nothing, and brings me anxiety for a potential next partner. According to her, our relationship was really good, strong emotional connection, emotional safety, we talked about issues like adults, she felt loved, etc, etc, but in the end the "spark" (or lack thereof) ended it. So I'm left wondering, what is this spark, how do you work it out with a partner when everything seems good, but "they just lost the spark", so even though the long-term prospects are good, now we have to break up?
Thanks for reading! Sorry to hear about your relationship. Your partner's perspective is a common one. Lots of people rely on "sparks" as indicators of love & relationship harmony. The problem with that perspective is that humans are designed to habituate to stimuli. What feels exhilarating at first, becomes merely interesting, and eventually commonplace. Sparks & excitement are desirable, but they're not what makes long-term fulfilling relationships work. The more telling experiences are feelings of safety, comfort, authenticity, predictability, and reliability. That said, longer term relationships should also seek to infuse their relationship with excitement. I suggest (based on research) NICE activities that are Novel Interesting Challenging and Exciting. These are the most helpful in helping keep the spark alive. Hope this helps!
Thanks for your reply. Interestingly, I implemented some NICE activities in our relationship after talking it over with my partner, like doing a day trip to a city in a different close by country, relationship cardgame, and some others we didn't get to do. For a couple weeks everything seemed pretty good, then she still wanted to break up. Our relationship covered most if not all aspects you name for a good long-term relationship. I guess maybe it needed more time and/or more commitment.