Is It Just Me? Or, Is This How All Relationships Are?
Everyone wants romantic relationships to be simple.
They're not.
Instead, relationships can seem mysterious, complicated, and confusing. It’s enough to leave you feeling frustrated, lost, and hopeless.
When you face challenges in your love life, it’s natural to wonder, “Is it me? Am I the problem?”
I’ve heard many versions of this from clients:
“Why do I always attract the narcissists?”
“My picker is broken.”
“I’m simply incapable of making it past 3 months.”
“I should just stay single.”
What really gets in our head, is seeing happy couples who have been together forever. What’s their secret? Would I manage to have issues, even if I had a great partner?
The only real “secret” is that those “super couples” don’t face fewer challenges. They’re just better prepared to handle them. (Learning more about the Psychology of Relationships will help you do the same.)
Challenges are part of every relationship,
success depends on insight and preparation.
Careful…sometimes when we hear “everyone faces the same challenges,” it can sound like there isn’t much we can do about it. In reality, knowing that others experience similar issues empowers you to take action, which has three key benefits:
You realize your struggles aren’t an indictment of you as a person. Instead, they’re human. That insight frees you from blame and opens the door to self-compassion.
You can “peak around corners” and see the difficulties coming and problem-solve before there’s a real issue. Preventing problems is far better than fixing them.
When issues inevitably arise, it will be less of a surprise, which will prevent overreactions.
The 10 Relationship Dilemmas We All Face (But Rarely Talk About)
Though it may seem like there are an endless number of dating and relationship issues, I’ve found that there are ten key dilemmas that everyone faces. These are essentially every relationship’s “million-dollar questions.”
At some point you’ve wondered about most of these. When you did, it wasn’t clear if it was just you, or if everyone grappled with the same dilemmas. Each feels complicated because there are at least two different resolutions, both of which feel right.
What makes each a true “dilemma” is that they all involve a decision point where both options feel right.
If relationships were really common sense,
heartbreak wouldn’t be so common.
What Do You REALLY Want?
Are You Better Off Staying Single vs. Being Ready for a Relationship? – This is everyone’s first relationship challenge. Are you ready to be in a relationship, or do you want to focus more on yourself? Most people opt for a relationship. The key is recognizing the difference between wanting a relationship and feeling like you need another person to feel complete. If it’s the latter, spending more time focusing on yourself is a good idea.
What Should You Prioritize in Your Partner?: Appearance vs. Personality – How hot does your partner have to be? Do they have to be interesting and a good conversationalist? Ultimately we want it all, but what are you actually prioritizing? When you scan a room or scroll a dating app, you can focus more on the pictures or the profile. Ultimately it’s a balance, but know that for future success personality goes a long way.
What Am I Looking For?: Excitement vs. Stability – What attracts you more, having a good-time, or someone who will be good for you for a long-time? Exciting partners are fun, but some traits that make them fun (e.g., being mysterious and unpredictable), also make them difficult to depend on. Thinking long term, qualities like predictability, stability, and dependability become important. What makes someone fun to date, may not be what makes that person a good long-term mate.
What Do You Have? Defining Your Relationship
Is This Love? Sparks vs. Slow Burn – Everyone wants to fall in love, but it’s hard to know if what you’re feeling is really love. For some, love is about that instantaneous spark and immediate chemistry. Either you have it, or you don’t. These feelings make it easier to feel like you’re in love, but those emotions can quickly flame out (and feeling like you’re falling out of love). For others, love is more of a slow burn where feelings and emotional connection build over time as closeness develops. In this case, love is more like an enduring friendship where partners grow closer over time while feeling emotionally safe with each other.
The Fear of Being Alone vs. The Fear of Settling – A major decision point in relationships is knowing when to fully commit. Frankly it can be terrifying because we’re often torn between two very strong influences: we don’t want to be alone, but we also don’t want to be in just any relationship. No one wants to settle. But is someone better than no one? It’s the predicament of not wanting to stay too long, but also not wanting to leave too early.
What Do You Deserve? Checking All the Boxes vs. Prioritizing What’s Important – We all have a partner “wishlist” that describes our perfect partner. We know what we want our partner to be like and how they should act. We want, and feel we deserve, a partner who checks every box. Yet, every partner falls short. That’s ok, you’re not perfect either. Perfection is a myth. When a partner reveals imperfections, you need to decide which of your expectations are must-haves, and which are merely preferences. You can’t have everything, but you can have anything if you prioritize what matters most.
How Do You Keep It? Maintaining the Relationship
Getting Close vs. Keeping Your Distance – How trusting are you going to be? How much will you let the other person in? No one wants to get hurt, so it’s natural to put up walls. If you keep your distance, the other person can’t hurt you. But, those walls also prevent you from getting close and feeling connected. To have that strong bond and emotional connection requires opening up. It’s a balance between vulnerability and vigilance.
Asserting Yourself vs. Deferring to Your Partner – Couples are a team who work together. In a two-person team, it’s easy to adopt leader and follower roles. Power struggles are common. Early in a relationship we happily defer to our partner, wanting to seem easy-going and avoid conflict. Later, it’s natural to want more equal influence and control. Shifts in power create friction. No one partner should have most of the power, while the other is a doormat. Every team is stronger when everyone contributes.
How Much Work Does It Take? The Best Relationships are Easy vs. They Take Work – There is a lot of love advice out there. Much of it contradictory. For example, some say a telltale sign of a good relationship is that it’s easy. Others say that the best relationships take work, and the work is what makes those relationships so great. The truth is somewhere in between. Strong relationships are mostly easy, but when difficulties inevitably emerge, require work to make it through. As healthy relationships work to solve problems, they get easier. Relationships take work, but shouldn’t feel constantly hard.
Should I Stay or Go? – We don’t want to stay too long, or go too early. It’s easy to simultaneously wonder “Is this all there is?” and “Will I find something better?” If you want to find problems with your current relationship, you can. But, if you want to find dozens of good qualities, you can find those too. No relationship is 100% great, or 100% bad. There’s always a bit of both, which makes it difficult to know for sure what the best decision is.
Relationships are full of questions, with few easy answers. Relationships aren’t commonsense. There are no easy answers and no one emerges unscathed. Having all of these questions truly is normal. It’s part of navigating relationships. It’s not just you.
Better Data = Better Decisions
But you can make your relationships easier by learning more about strong relationships. When you do, rely on science-based information to find the strategy that works best for you and your relationship.
Please share the love. Do you know someone who loves psychology and/or relationships? Sharing is caring.
Here’s what you can look forward to…
The Psychology of Relationships 101 Curriculum
Is It Just Me? Or, Is This How Relationships Are?
Clarity Attracts Chemistry: The Power of Knowing Who You Are
The Flirting Formula: Science-Backed Strategies for Connection
The Science of Attraction: It’s Not Just Looks, It’s Psychology
The Science of Love: From Instant Chemistry to Lasting Connection
The Truth about Attachment: The Science of Secure Connection
Sex Ed 2.0: The Conversations We Missed
The Science of Communication: What Builds Connection and What Breaks It
When the Spark Fades: Feeling Adrift in Love
The Erosion of Intimacy: Dealing with the Dark Side of Relationships
Happily Ever After or Single Again: Does My Relationship Have a Future?
The Foundation of Forever: Simple Strategies for Enduring Connection
Break Up Doesn’t Have to Leave You Broken
The Connection Code: Your Keys to Unlocking a Love That Lasts
Let me start by saying, nice post, I enjoyed reading it a lot. Keep up the good work! I have a question. Recently my partner broke up with me, and one of the reasons was something along the lines of there not being enough spark anymore, basically what you're mentioning in point four. It remains unclear to me, and also to her, what caused that and what that even means practically speaking. It leaves me feeling powerless if the whim of a "spark" ends meaningful connections like its nothing, and brings me anxiety for a potential next partner. According to her, our relationship was really good, strong emotional connection, emotional safety, we talked about issues like adults, she felt loved, etc, etc, but in the end the "spark" (or lack thereof) ended it. So I'm left wondering, what is this spark, how do you work it out with a partner when everything seems good, but "they just lost the spark", so even though the long-term prospects are good, now we have to break up?