Clarity Attracts Chemistry: The Power of Knowing Who You Are
Ready for some science-backed dating and relationship advice you never thought you’d hear?
You need to be more selfish.
The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself.
Yet, too many people willingly lose themselves in pursuit of love.
Self-Silencing: Losing Me to Find Us
A common way to lose yourself is through self-silencing, or voluntarily suppressing one’s own thoughts, feelings, and individuality to help the relationship (Jack & Dill, 1992). We do it when we “go along to get along” or play the role of deferential partner or spouse by neglecting our own needs for the perceived greater relationship good.
But there’s a big problem: Self-silencing isn’t as helpful as we hope.
Holding back feelings and not expressing ourselves leaves us feeling angry, inauthentic, or like we’re putting on an act. When researchers studied over 200 couples, they found that when one partner self-silenced, both partners characterized the relationship as having poor communication and more depressive symptoms (Harper & Welsh, 2007). Research also finds that those who self-silence more also report a poorer sense of self, more codependency, as well as lower mental, emotional, and psychological well-being (Naleem et al., 2024). Though well-intentioned, neglecting ourselves backfires and creates more issues. There’s a better way…
The Giving Tree approach to relationships leaves you
feeling like a hollowed out version of yourself.
Be the Right Person…
Here’s a fact about relationships that will seem obvious, but only after you read it: When you diminish yourself, feel lost, broken, or “less than,” you attract partners who find those qualities appealing and who lead you into relationships full of toxicity. When you’re “less than” it facilitates a power dynamic where the partner feels better than you, giving them more power and control.
How others treat you is a reflection
of how you see yourself.
To avoid imbalanced partnerships, you shouldn’t look to relationships to fix problems or fill in what’s missing from your life. That’s not the type of chemistry you really want. It’s not your partner’s job to help you fill in what you’re missing. That’s your job. “You complete me” is the wrong goal. The better approach is for two already complete partners to generously share their lives with each other.
The Power of Knowing Yourself
Attracting higher quality partner is easier when you have better self-understanding. When you can clearly and confidently define yourself, you have what researchers call self-concept clarity (Campbell et al, 1996). Greater clarity gives you a well-defined understanding of whatever your unique traits and values may be.
In relationships, strong self-concept clarity acts as both a foundation and a buffer. People with high self-concept clarity tend to experience greater relationship satisfaction, share more openly with their partners, and navigate conflicts more constructively (Szachter et al., 2025). When disagreements arise, they're better able to maintain a balanced perspective of their partner and the relationship, leading to less drastic drops in relationship satisfaction during challenging times. This is the higher quality relationship chemistry that you can only get when partners know themselves.
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Strategy: Key Questions to Boost Your Self-Understanding
My colleague Brent Mattingly and I are both fascinated by how your understanding of the person you are influences your relationships. To help people become more clear, we drew from psychological theories, research, and well-established tools to create a set of questions. The result was 36 Questions Everyone Should Ask Themselves (inspired by the famous 36 Questions That Lead to Love).
Though I’d encourage you to ponder the full 36 questions to better know yourself, that can get a bit long. To save you some time, here are the 12 best questions. Think deeply about every prompt, and plan on spending 5-10 minutes on each.
List 5 adjectives or traits that describe you.
List 5 life experiences that have helped define who you are.
When you think about who you are, what aspects of your personality are most clear to you?
In what ways does the “you” that you present to the world match who you really are?
In what ways is your life better than the lives of other people you know?
List three things about yourself that make you proud.
List three things you enjoy but don’t get much opportunity to do. What steps can you take to do these things more often?
What parts of who you are as a person have fallen by the wayside? What can you do to help bring them back?
In what ways does your job help you improve as a person? How can you ensure that this will continue in the future?
What types of new and interesting things do you learn at your job? How have these experiences benefited you?
In what ways have you improved as a person over the past five years? How has this helped shape who you are today?
Think about ways in which you could grow as a person over the next five years. How will this help you reach your full potential?
…to Find the Right Person
When you have great clarity and know yourself better, you’ll have a clearer sense of what you want in a relationship. That insight allows you to find a partner who sees you as you see yourself. You’ll know that you’ve found the right person when you feel seen, heard, understood, respected, calm, and safe in their presence. Read that last sentence again. It’s an underrated simple test of whether you’re with the right person.
Remember, “your person” will connect and feel compatible with your true self. There won’t be any need to try to be someone you’re not. If you lose someone by being real, it was fake all along.
Please share the love. Do you know someone who loves psychology and/or relationships? Sharing is caring.
Here’s what you can look forward to:
The Psychology of Relationships 101 Curriculum
Is It Just Me? Or, Is This How Relationships Are?Clarity Attracts Chemistry: The Power of Knowing Who You AreThe Flirting Formula: Science-Backed Strategies for Connection
The Science of Attraction: It’s Not Just Looks, It’s Psychology
The Science of Love: From Instant Chemistry to Lasting Connection
The Truth about Attachment: The Science of Secure Connection
Sex Ed 2.0: The Conversations We Missed
The Science of Communication: What Builds Connection and What Breaks It
When the Spark Fades: Feeling Adrift in Love
The Erosion of Intimacy: Dealing with the Dark Side of Relationships
Happily Ever After or Single Again: Does My Relationship Have a Future?
The Foundation of Forever: Simple Strategies for Enduring Connection
Break Up Doesn’t Have to Leave You Broken
The Connection Code: Your Keys to Unlocking a Love That Lasts
References
Thank you ❤️
this is so helpful! wow. thank you!